2002-02-15 ~ 6:07 a.m.

Walletful of Heart

I went to the mall the other day. I'm not usually a mall type person, but I wanted to buy a chain for an amulet that I made for someone.

Which as is usual in my stories, that is not the point.

After leaving the mall, I was stopped at a red light, and on the median was one of those middle age type guys that wear a nice button down short sleeve shirt, a baseball style cap that I've never read, black slacks, and have a bucket that has a placard that noticably says HUNGER, but with the red slash through it. (what in the hell do they call that symbol, anyway?) I figure these men work for some charity related charity, though I'm not really sure.

I was feeling especially generous that day, so I emptied my little stash of change into it, and he bent down, made eye contact with me and said, and said, "Thank you."

It was a very sincere "thank you." It really made me feel good about donating. It was a particularly warm day, and I figured he had to be hot, so I stopped by the nearby mini-mart and bought a water. I got out a $10 bill and swung around the same block to give the water and the money to him.

I reached out to give him the water, but he said, "No, but thank you."

And you know what? That actually kinda upset me. I was so surprised that he said no, I never gave him the $10.

I started to inner reflect on why he would say no. We're in the middle of the desert, for GOD'S SAKE, I knew he had to be thirsty. I figured it might be because he has to be skeptical of the Anti-No-Hunger fanatics that try to poison him with sealed bottles of cold water.

There was a sharp pain that went through me when I found myself thinking, "Well, why the hell should I try to be kind when no one obviously cares."

There was a slightly similar incident later in the week that reminded me of the No Hunger guy.

So, here's my point:

Why is it that when we give from our wallets, no one gives it a second thought, and, in fact, praise you for being so giving and so thoughtful, but when we try to give from our hearts, all of a sudden, skepticism and doubt abounds?

You give money, and people think, "Wow. That person really cares." You give heart, and they think, "Well, what is it that they want from me? How are they trying to cleverly hurt me."

I've decided that I won't stop caring. There's no way I can change my life or the lives of others if I do. I know that there are many evils in life, but I henceforth refuse to let that take my heart.

And, perhaps eventually, more people will be willing to accept the water just as it is.

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