2002-02-07 ~ 12:07 p.m.

Intense, High-Wrought Emotion That Compels To Action

The word rolling off my toungue a lot lately is "passion," (or "passionate" or "passionately" or..."passion fruit"). Whichever derivative, it seems to be an obsession lately. There's just something about an emotion that can be used to describe every damn emotion there is. (Have you looked the word up in a dictionary or thesaurus?? egads.)

One of my friends (who, by the way, is a goddess)and I have been e-mailing each other about it lately. She had a lot of insight on the subject.

I think most of my obsession with passion is based on the fact that I really didn't have any for a long time. I didn't have a passion about anything. Not my job, my boyfriend thing, or my life in general. The boyfriend and I broke up, and someone came along and stirred these emotions in me. That's about where my obsession started.

I've been thinking that I really need to find someone to share my passion, but, then, in my head I immediately fast forward to the point in the relationship where the passion fades because passion always fades...

Ah... Or does it??

My friend revealed a great truth to me: passion isn't nurtured in our society.

Wow. She's right. We nurture "Hallmark love", cynicism, and the Man Show, but passion really isn't high on our list of priorities. We talk about it, but no one really does anything about it. As she so aptly put it, "We're a passion retarded species."

I think there's a popular belief that passion is something that happens to you, not something that you can control. People believe that passion is situational, not a mantra. I believe this to be false. Well, NOW I do, I admit I didn't used to.

There's also the confusion that passion is strictly lust driven. I've come to find out that that is also not true.

Another revelation, (supplied by aforementioned goddess) is that even if people were to realize that they can be passionate all the time, barely anyone would. We're too afraid to be hurt, and passion requires that you put everything into it.

She's a demanding bitch, that passion. Though, she's more forgiving than most people realize.

After my most recent revival of passion, naturally, I was high for the next few days. A lot of people at work noticed. I'm a casino dealer, and it seems that I made more tips those days. (That actually says a lot because we deal with DAMNED idiots all day.) That's when I became obsessed with it. Why couldn't I do this everyday?? Why couldn't I feel this way everyday just because? It sure as hell beats being one of those bitter dealers.

HOT DAMNED I CAN!!

Nothing can really stop me from it. As far as I know, I'm not chemically imbalanced. And, above all, I don't need anyone else to make me feel this way.

I think that was the other important step I took. It may well be the vital step. Self acceptance.

A few years ago, my otherwise small stature "blossomed" to 175 pounds. (I'm 5'3" and a HALF, so I don't think it was an attractive look.) I couldn't land a guy to save my life, though I have "such a pretty face." I was depressed. What was my life possibly worth if I didn't have love?

HAH! I lost the weight, I landed a boyfriend, and got a great job.

Well, the boyfriend sucked as boyfriends go. After 9/11, I got laid off, and sitting around the house collecting unemployment didn't require too much physical exertion. Yeah, I may have "blossomed" a little bit again, but I can't remember the last time in my life that I've been this happy. Especially single.

What's my life worth without love? I've been looking for it from some (or any) guy that came along. I was looking for "love" and "passion" from anyone I hardly knew. What the hell sense does that make?

I looked around.

There's one guy that I've known since the 8th grade. We lost touch after junior high but saw each other in a club a couple of years ago. His girlfriend was there, so I did the natural female thing and acted like it was quaintly "nice seeing him." (Didn't want to make her jealous, you see.) He threw his arms around me, kissed me on the cheek, said how GREAT it was to see me after all this time. I was scared to death. I thought I was going to look over and get this get my head blown off from a look that she must have been giving me.

My head is still attached. In fact, when I looked over at her, she was smiling, waited for him to introduce me, and she told me how great it was to meet me.

What the hell was wrong with her? Didn't she realize I was another woman the she didn't know hugging her man?

A few weeks later while we were chatting online, I asked him if it didn't bother his girlfriend about how affectionate he is. He told me a story and ended it with her saying that she knows how passionate he is about his friends.

Passionate about his friends? You can do that?

My friends....My Friends. HOLY CRAP!! MY FRIENDS!!! I have LOTS of them.

My magician friend is all of a sudden making it big. I've been feeling pretty cool because I have a friend that's practically a celebrity. But, besides the really cool card tricks, I've learned a great deal from him.

But, hell, I've learned a great deal from all of my friends. My friends that I actually get to hang out with are the ones that I've "grown up" with. The ones that were there during the important years. I wouldn't trade them for the world. In addition to them though, I've made some amazing friends the past couple of years.

I've found that I've chosen friends that I can learn from. Friends with incredible knowledge, and with the knowledge, they have incredible insights. My repetoire of friends include those that are (or in the process of becoming): doctors, lawyers, computer gurus, screen writers, show writers, musicians, magicians, company owners and teachers.

None of them are just acquaintences. These are all people that are there for me when I'm down. These are people that I'm there for when they are down. But, it seems to me, that it has been more me utilizing them to make me feel better.

There's eventually a point to my story, in the meantime:

Why would these people even want to be there for me? I came to the conclusion that it's because they are my friends. They must like me or something.

I owe them. I owe them all more than I owe Visa.

Yes, I've really been excited about the magician guy lately. (How could I not?) But it's all of them as a group that have changed me into a better person.

I don't have a boyfriend. I'm getting a little smooshy around the middle, but I have these WONDERFUL friends. I get to share in ALL of their successes. With their support, and after I figure out what I want to be when I grow up, they can share in mine.

THAT is my new passion. That is something I can be passionate about. That is something I can give everything I have into.

So, I was looking around yesterday. I was looking to see what was different around me. I was checking to see if anything was really different in the past couple of weeks. I wanted to see if anything has come of me waking up everyday and invoking my passion for living.

The best thing I noticed, more people want to be around me. More people smile when they are around me.

I totally dig that.

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