2002-01-07 ~ 5:07 a.m.

Something Funny Happened On The Way To The Bar

A funny thing happened in the midst of my life.

I had this whole thing planned out that the beginning of my postings would be based on "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby. Oh, I had great commentaries raring to go. I really wanted more substance, something good to read, something almost "literary" before I told my friends about Fuzzy Grey.

Then a really funny thing happened.

Between the nights that I reviewed "High Fidelity", deciding what exerpts I would write about, I went to my local pub and got snot-slinging drunk. Really, really drunk. When I got home, I decided to sign online. Sure, why not? What could POSSIBLY happen online?

I'm 25, and I know that there have been times where I was "that girl" at a bar. Ok, there have been MANY times that I was "that girl" at a bar. I even have a firm grasp of what "coyote ugly" means and have the scars on my shoulder to prove it.

But what could POSSIBLY happen online?

Let's first evaluate the belief that people are more honest when they are drunk. When people ask me if I think that is true or false, I always shrug. Let's think back to any coyote ugly scenario... does another drink honestly make him or her anymore attractive? I mean, honestly? Are there jokes funnier or their stories more heartfelt?

(The answer is no.)

OK... but what about when things happen with people that you already like? The people that you like even when sober? What about when we call alcohol "liquid bravery"? Is it honest then?

It seems so, doesn't it?

(The answer is still no.)

The only real proof I have of this is the incredible headache you wake up with after the fact.

I have some theories on the whole "altered mood" honesty thing, but I'll spare you at this time.

Ok. So WHAT could POSSIBLY happen online?

There's this young man that I've known for about 4 years now. Really wonderful man. I call him a man, though he is still technically a "guy", being in college and all.

I really owe a lot to him. He's someone that can ground me. I try to be a better person because of him. We've spent hours on the phone discussing relationships, and I've had great fun trying to explain women to him. I don't think he's ever used my advice, but I do like to think that he enjoys hearing my insight. The real big thing, though, was when things were looking a little bleak for me romantically and I was convinced that men are not only slime and scum but really SMUG slime and scum, he reminded me that passion does, in fact, exist. It reminded me that it's true what elders say, it's not something you can force or rush. (yes, also true of love, but we're talking passion here and they are of equal importance though they do not always go hand in hand.)

I can't really describe to you what that did for me personally. How can I hate being alive when there is something so great to strive for?

Oh, hey, did I mention he has a girlfriend? Long term. I don't want it to sound like I don't like her, I do, absolutely. They love each other. Though it may seem I have a longing for him, I don't. He is my friend. Period. I have a longing for someone LIKE him.

SO..... what could POSSIBLY happen on the internet on AOL to be specific?

Oh, well, let me tell you.

He actually only has AOL Instant Messenger. We chatted for a bit, but then he went to bed and had his away message on.

But I kept typing to him.

I typed a lot to him. Loads....... and loads......of crap. I don't really remember exactly what. Some crap of being envious of their relationship because his and my relationship may eventually dissipate down the line, but she will always somehow be in his thoughts cause that's how first loves go. Brought up the whole passion thing and how I really, really think that if they don't work out, we should give it a go, just to see. ANY horrible thing I could colorfully but not exactly say that I can always be there for him though eventually she may not be able to, I said. Sure, I put a lot of heart in it. I vaguely remember crying while I wrote it....but.

I woke up with a sick stomache, with a pounding head, and COMPLETELY MORTIFIED. What.... in the HELL... was I thinking? I've boiled it down to drunk and horny.

He's a great guy, but it would never work. We're so different. I think our similar interests pretty much stops at books. You really can't establish a lasting relationship on phermones and books.

NOT TO MENTION.... how much I figured he would hate me after reading all that mess. Telling someone that the person that they love isn't right for them?? WHAT THE Fdashdashdash??? Could I have possibly picked a FASTER way to get him to hate me? Maybe if I killed his dog?

LORD!!

So, I did the mature thing and blocked his screen name from my buddy list. Planned to keep his name blocked for a year MINIMUM. (Time heals all wounds, yes?)

I told another friend about it. She gave me decent advice. I should e-mail him and apologize, and most likely he will understand that I was 98% drunk and 2% crazy, and laugh it off. And if he didn't understand, he probably isn't mature enough yet to "get it." I don't know what that means, but it sounds really good, and it makes sense. I had thought about emailing him in the first place, but I wasn't yet able to cope with the fact that he may not *want* to talk to me.

I mulled it over for awhile, and, of course, she was right. I mean, one of the (huge) reasons that I like him in the first place is that he IS really mature, and, again, he's a college student, so he's most likely dealt with idiot drunk girls before. Christ, we're everywhere.

I emailed him. There were a lot of "sorry"s involved.

A few hours after I sent the email, about 3 hours ago, I got his response.......and I'm quoting...

"This may come as a relief to you, but when I came back to my computer to read my away messages, I got to the early line about you saying with me there is passion, and AIM crashed. So I never got to read the whole thing, just the very very beginning."

AIM CRASHED!!! IT CRASHED!!!! If I have ever been annoyed with AOL going screwy ever, I take back ALL the obscene and lewd curses I threw at it! If I didn't believe in God before, I believe in them now.....every single one of them. It almost warrants going to church.

As it is, sure, I think the friendship could have survived it, but it would have never been the same. I am quite content in being a friend to him. I am proud of who he is and where he's going.

Like I said, he makes me want to be a better person, and now I know I am never, EVER drinking that much again.

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