2004-04-04 ~ 3:20 p.m.

My Bitches Are Taken Care Of Bitches

Yesterday was Saturday. Saturdays in the spring call upon many, many bachelorettes to go around with their female friends wearing veils and little penis antennae and carrying around dildos. I am not going to wear penis antennae, and, for the love of God, I'm NOT going to carry around a dildo. No, I'm not. NO... I'm NOT.

For one, penis antennae look ridiculous. This is my last night out looking like a hot momma, and wearing penis antennae will seriously inhibit that. For two, carrying around a dildo is just plain retarded. Carrying around anything penis related is retarded. I mean, the idea is cute. Sure, let's make everyone uncomfortable with being forced to look at peni-wear. I'm not a prude or anything, the idea is just retarded to begin with. As mysoginistic as a lot of men are, they don't go around carrying fake vaginas (at least not that we know about) or big breasted blow up dolls. Ya know why? Because it's retarded. And, along with the carrying around of the dildos, it's not like the bachelorette halfway through the night goes, "HOLY GOD, I need to get fucked right now, where is that dildo?" Which is a shame because she could probably make a lot of extra cash for doing so in front of people. But also, people get tired of carrying around a dildo. At some point, they realize how retarded they look, and more than once I've heard, "Ok, it's your turn to carry the dildo now."

Now, Mr. Blue Toast isn't a stupid man, and he knows how big his pockets are, and how likely it is that he'll be carrying my stuff, so if he decides that I should carry around a dildo on my bachelorette night, he knows where he can stick it. :D

Alright, moving a long with my story, last night I actually saw a few sashes. A few sorry ass sashes. One was one that I had seen that comes in a "bachelorette party kit," and it was a sorry ass looking thing. Looked like it was made out of leftover scrap material, and "bachelorette" was made out with a glue gun and glitter. PLUS, the bachelorette wasn't a small girl, so the poor thing was holding on to her chest area for dear life.

The second group didn't have sashes "per se". They had taken a bachelorette party banner, cut it into sash pieces and stuck 'em on.

See, now, I treat my bitches so much better than that.

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