2004-03-23 ~ 4:01 a.m.

The Happiest Day Of My Life/ Eternal Sunshine Is A Really, Really, Really, Really Good Movie

I don't ever list emails because that's tacky. But I think if you want inside my head, this is what's going on in my world.

To my dear friend whose email it is with, I don't believe *her* name is in it anywhere, nor yours. If it is, let me know. If it matters.

And to my other friends in it, if I say something out of line, well, sorry.

:)

*********************

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

4:06 AM

Hey..... Yeah, life......fickle...... Even without drugs...... speaking of

with drugs...... Pat's doing fine..... still apathetic..... but fine......

(got to see Greg's new bling-bling, by the way... it is very bling-blingy. 5

diamonds, I think. Sparkly.... Quite beyond the expensive but cheap looking

Onyx with diamond chip accent that in my heart of hearts was hoping I would

see. No..... A total, "I am *so married* look on the hand attached to the "I

am so obviously gay* body. I'm going to assume it's platinum. terrible.)

Anywho. We met up today for soup. Pat is working days now, so a late

afternoon lunch fits perfectly before we would have to be at work. And

Nun-chuck invited his real estate guy who has an "assistant." and yes I did

put quotes around "assistant". She's a perky little cute blonde who is

technically his employee, and she would actually have to be going out to

seek FSBO's (For Sale By Owners) and asking the selling owner the right

questions. But she is oh-so-much-more. He is so cool now, but you can tell

there is a lifetime of goofyness behind him, and he has no idea to know for

sure if she wants to be his naughty play-thing, but after lunch today, she's

all but taking down the panties and stuffing her hoo-hoo in his mouth. She

giggles. She learns towards him. Tries to steal little glances with him.

She..... *giggles*.

As we 6 sat there between our eggrolls and bowls of soup. ("Three number 1's

and six number 11's. Please") Ron and Chuck obviously had serious

client/agent discussions. (One of which happens to be my ex-favorite

neighborhood bartender, because now he's in construction and wants to move

with the better salary he'd be able to declare.) And Pat and I obviously

start talking about my wedding plans and stupid crap associated to that. So

Brandy and Greg start talking about whatever, well, they would talk about.

Which, yeah, may not be so high on the intellectual

spectrum. (But also interesting note, at the beginning of the dinner she was

so obviously nervous. Dinner full of people she doesn't know, her back was

so straight, and uncomfortable I think just *having* 2 gay guys there made

it so much more comfortable. She got to say ultra- "PC", hepcat, beatnik, I am so

cool with liberal issues like these things (wait, were beatniks liberal?) like, "So, how long have you two

been engaged?" She slouched more. Got some of that DD action in our faces.

And, that's my point. The clothes she wore so obviously, "Oh, look at me,

you hunk of man." She was so there. He could have been bangin' her on the

table right there.. Hmmm.... getting too graphic, sorry.

Crap. I forgot why I was telling you that story in the first place.

Which brings me to my second point. I truly believe Chuck and I are in love

now. No, I mean. I *seriously* believe it now. He's officially seen me in my

weakest form. With my proverbial pants down. (Ew. Speaking of pants down, I

went to buy pants at Wal Mart of all places and realize how bad I look in

clothes. I'm gonna get married in Hawaii, but I'm gonna get married fat in

Hawaii.)

Crap. Off the subject again.

2 and a half words.

I'm High.

That's how high I am. I capitalized it.

And he still looked at me, gave me a kiss. Smacked his lips as if to taste

them. And giggled at me.I asked him before I did it if I could, and he said

that he wasn't there to tell me no, and I said, if you don't actually "say"

no, I'm going to do it. And he just repeated, "I'm not here to say no."

So I did it.

And I didn't mess around when I did.

And he still loves me. :D

And that's neat.

Ah, I remember. You said how fickly life was, even without the drugs. So,

that is my take on it with the drugs. :D

As for the rest of it. I think the rest of it is well explained in the newly

released film, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," starring Jim Carrey

and Kate Winslet. Well, *my* life is well explained and revealed in the

movie. Don't know how yours will. But Charlie and I had an incredibly deep

connection with the movie. We connected to both of the characters, but most

strongly as it is gender for gender. I just thought it was an incredible

movie. Everyone can feel a connection to it because we've all had incredibly

bad relationships that we just wish we could erase, but we've had ones that

we wouldn't erase for the world. (I think the one I would *definitely* erase

would be Travis. HOY GOD!) But, I think we believe that we wouldn't no

matter what happens from this point out.

Which I believe even more now that he's seen me completely baked out of my

mind and not just kinda after I've been baked the whole night and it's

mostly warn off time of night.

God, this almost hurts how baked I am.

****Not that anyone here on the staff would *ever* condone the use of

marijuana or any other illegal substance. No. Not even medicinal**********

And, now my third point. I think we all have a limit. Our highest and lowest

limit that is set in our mind. The limits of what we want to share with

*the* someone. Sure, we can all have money, and be well fed. Buy and live in

houses that by all rights should be out of our reach. (Thank God, he's

smart.) But what about our weakest point? Would you be willing to stay with

her if you found someone with her basic same qualifications, but, say, lived

closer to you? And then maybe communicated better? Or even (whisper) be

better in bed. I think, perhaps, you're still at the point where you can be

swayed.

And my weakest point for me was if he could see me this stoned and still be

interested in *me*. Yeah, I know he's bothered by it. But, dammit, he still

loves me. YAAY.

And, that if he were to say, "Hey, could you never eveer ever do that

again?"

I'd definitely say ok.

Sure, I'd beg and plead and promise my way out of it. (Oh, the things I

would promise him.)

But if he really put his foot down, I'd definitely say ok.

Wow. I am really surprised at how coherent this message may be. (I'll

probably read it tomorrow and say, "Wow. I was *really* high.") But, I think

this should make sense to you.

I think I'll go post this at d*land.

Speaking of d*land. No. I don't really think I need any help. Unless you

have a suggestion on where to eat. I'm open. Longhi's is the only thing that

I've heard of that sound any good.

Thanks!

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