2003-10-11 ~ 3:26 a.m.

What Does It All Mean?

I've heard about having surreal nights, but I have never really had one. I did acid one time, so that was surreal in the "wow, man, the walls are melting like a Dali painting" kind of surreal way, but not like I read about.

But, I do believe that tonight I had a really surreal night. Just a night that has really confused me. It was a night where I sit here in front of my computer screen tapping away at my keyboard going, "What does it all mean?"

What does it all mean??

I think I finally understand what social anxiety actually is. You know, you see the commercial for social anxiety and you think, "Wow.... that's just really stupid.".... but tonight.... I think I might have really understood it.

I mean, I didn't think everyone was laughing at me or anything like that. The exact opposite though. I knew everyone WASN'T laughing at me. I didn't connect with a single person tonight.

The thing is, though, I don't think I *have* social anxiety. I think I just might be going through some very important changes in my life. I think my life is telling me that I need to *make* very important changes in my life.

People always tell you that there "just comes a time when you need to grow up," and it's like the universe is saying, "Halloooooooooooooo!! Yeah!! You!! Don't you think it's about time?"

Don't worry, I'm not all about having an epiphany all over your asses. It's not like now I talk about geniuses and ghosts and all of a sudden I'm a new woman tomorrow. No, no, nothing like that. This is more just one night of many nights that I *know* that things are changing and I *know* that they'll turn out all right. Not necessarily that they're going to turn out my way, but that things are changing and there's nothing I can or even should do to stop it. Just let it change and adjust myself accordingly.

In short, life is telling me that I'm HERE in the next phase of my life. There's no going back. There's only going forward. I can get mad and I can get pissed, but one thing is for certain, I'm not going back. I guess I should learn to enjoy it, huh?

I know this seems similar to past misunderstandings with life that I've had before, where I assumed that things were changing and that I'm getting older, but this time I really mean it.

Wow. I've gone on plenty without even saying what it's all about. Alright, here it goes.

I start the night by deciding to go to the local Renaissance Festival with Ex-Roommate, Rally Edition (we're not "together") and his boyfriend and the girl who I affectionately call the "Other Woman." I call her the Other Woman (and will from here on out refer to as "OWRE")(That's, Other Woman, Rally Edition) because she is now the female that spends a lot of time with Ex-RRE, and they are more not "together" than he and I are not "together." She and I get along, we've just never really connected, and since she and Ex-RRE *do* really connect, and he and I don't really hang out that much anymore, his personality really heads towards hers, so even when he and I are together anymore, we don't really connect like we used to. It's not a bad thing, it's just life. I'm just glad that he connects with a really decent human being and I'm not leaving him with a "bad crowd".

Now, me and ex-RRE have known each other for quite some time. He knew me when I was with the ex. THE ex. I've talked about him before. Anyway, they were friends when they knew each other, and THE ex and I keep in touch (much to the chagrin of the betrothed, though he tries to be a saint about it), so we decided to ask THE ex along too. (His birthday was on wednesday and he's just had a real bitch of a year.)

So, if you're trying to keep track, that's my old roommate, his boyfriend, his new best friend, my ex boyfriend, and me. (Also, if you're trying to keep track, Betrothed had to work tonight.) We just did the little shopping around the little shops. I might get into the details of the shopping later, but for now I'm just going to talk about me.

(But real quick, the funniest thing that was said tonight.... I was trying to explain that all the tents that were set up were for the ren faire folk who were actually going to stay in them. And I was trying to remember the word for "clan" to say that the people in each rope off their own section and huddle together. So, I was like, "You know.... the...family....or....herd... people."

Then THE ex goes, "The posse."

So, Ex-RRE goes, "Oh, so this is their Renasizzle Festivizzle."

Swear, the funniest shit he's ever said.)

Ok, so we're shopping. One would get attracted to a booth so the others would just kinda hang around it to the one was done. In the middle I'm having little bits and pieces of dialogue with each person. Just smidgens. Nothing fantastic.

THE ex would ask something silly. Sometimes about my current relationship, sometimes about general goings on. We chitted and chatted. And that's a basic on how the night was. I wasn't uncomfortable around him by any means. I know the guy mostly better than he knows himself. He hasn't changed much in the 12 years that I've known him. I only talk to him once a year or so, but he's almost *alarmingly* the same each time. But we're not *friends* anymore by any means either. Just friends.

But we'd walk. We shopped. We were fairly merry.

I know.... you're thinking, why is this a problem? That's how people hang out. And I do understand that. Kinda. I mean. That is, in fact, how people hang out.

But you see. Back in the day.....

Back in the day it wasn't about a group of people aimlessly wandering. It would be about a group of *FRIENDS* going from place to place; bickering, laughing, standing side by side, making fun of stuff, making lewd gestures with stuff, making new inside jokes while recalling old inside jokes.

And what was weird about it was that two of the people that I was with WERE the ones that I used to do this with. But now it's all changed. Not for better or for worse, just for the sake of change.

After we walked out of the exits, I had expected to be doing something with either ex-RRE and his gang or with THE ex or both. We had early talk of going over to our friends, B & A's house. Then THE ex said, "Nah, I'm going to do stuff with my brother." And then, what really hit me with reality was when Ex-RRE said, "Nah. I'm tired. Gonna go to bed."

Now, I've been lonely before. This wasn't lonliness. This wasn't realizing that I didn't have any friends or anything. This was me realizing that this isn't like it used to be. That it IS now a "Alright. I had a great time. I will see you later," thing. It's really something that I've *been* getting used to. I think tonight that it was finally something that I *am* used to. As little as it seems, it seems to be a big step.

The night was still pretty early and I didn't want to spend the next 4 hours waiting for Betrothed to get off of work just sitting there waiting for him to get off of work, so I called B&A myself. A is usually off, so I usually hook up with him and then we wait for B to get off of work. As it was tonight, A was called in, so they were both waiting to get off of work. There was a girl that they work with who was having a "chill night" at her house and I was invited.

B&A talk about me a lot. It's just in A's nature to talk a lot. He gets along with everyone, and while he's getting along with everyone, he's telling stories about the other people that he gets along with. Needless to say, since I have spent a lot of time with them, and mostly in my wild days, they have PLENTY of stories about me. What I'm getting at is that this girl had no problem inviting me to her house because I wasn't a stranger by any means.

I had stopped to get barfood fries waiting for them to call me after they got off of work, so I brought those over along with my water. This really has no point to the story.

So, I get to the house, meet everyone who was there quickly as "everyone" then settle in a little circle with B and A and this girl. We'll call her J as I am SO creative right now.

What she and I know each other as is the "girl who reminds me of you." She reminds them of me and vice versa.

And it was true. It was all true.

If I had made different choices in my life. If my life had been just a *little* bit different, this girl was me. It was, really, the weirdest thing that I have ever endured.

She's everything that I want to be. I don't mean that in the "I wish I had a million dollars and that guy has a million dollars so I wish I was that guy." It was a I really wish I was her, and, dammit, I came so close.

Green eyes, reddish hair, well kempt, animated, funny, smart, in college, she obviously knew how to keep a house, she parties like a rock star (I'm not saying that's good, I'm just saying that she can maintain the rest of it while doing it), so very friendly, tells great stories, funny-bitchy, even her boyfriend matched her perfectly. I didn't see it, but I bet she cooked. I'm sure she has faults, you can tell she has faults, but they don't affect her. I would bet her to be an optimist. You could hear her when she spoke. She even had a cute little affectionate happy puppy dog.

I literally sat there in awe of her for about an hour and a half. I didn't even want to leave when I left, but I had to.

Tears came to my eyes more than once while I watched her and B&A share stories. As I walked to the bathroom, I looked at all the pictures they had up, took in their decor just thinking, "this could have been me, it just wasn't."

A lot of times we wonder and speculate that there's a parallel universe where we turned left instead of right. It does something to your head when you actually see it.

I blame the full moon.

I hardly said two words while I was there. There just wasn't anything to say. (and holy cow, good luck getting a word in edgewise) It was, yes, very surreal. I just sat there and thought, "That's something I would say. Would say that too. Yep, sounds like me." She even told stories exactly like I do. I can't explain how weird it was.

I finally had to figure out where one story ended and another began so that I could say, "Whoa! I gotta go." (I've figured it out to be about where someone says something to the effect of, "So that's what how that happened right before we ran into Matt. Oh! Do you know Matt??" Right there, before they start with the "He's the one that....."

I didn't know how to feel about it, about everything. I cried a little on the way home. I got to understand that I'm just not connected the way I used to be. Now is the time to find where I *do* connect. I'm not saying that in the effect of "poor me, nobody connects with me." I'm saying that in the "wow, I've been trying to connect where there's nothing to connect to. Now is the time to go find where I *do* connect."

I'm also not saying that I don't still love my friends. Of course I do. (Heart you.) But there has been the realization that it no longer is what it used to be. It's still something we can have drinks with and talk about, but those times are probably going to be fewer and further between.

If I were an actor, I just found my motivation for being a long, lost friend who has kinda lost touch with the other friends. "Good to see ya, Chris, wow it's been a long time."

As for J, I don't even know what to do with the knowledge of her existence. I would love to get to know her better, but that's a peculiar situation. "I've met you and you fascinate me. Let's hang out for that I may study you and figure out where I zigged where I should have zagged."

The thing of it is, I've been replaced. Ex-RRE, he has his OWRE that he totally clicks and connects with. B&A have the girl who is a lot like me, but nicer. And, for once, it's not something I really feel bad about. There's not an ounce of jealousy in me. I had a wonderfully good time with all of my friends. I treasure the memories. It's just time that I let go of the time of my life that they're connected with.

I think the crying is for the loss of naivete and innocence. It was like those were all my first loves. THE ex, my best friend, the first friends that I kept for more than 5 years. The escapades. The stupid early 20 crap. The time that I was allowed to be stupid is gone. I know better, and I know I know better. I guess now I just have to apply it.

This also solidified my view on my upcoming marriage. I'm in the next stage. This is what I'm going to do. Sure, marriage isn't right for everyone when they hit that next stage, but for me, yes. It's what I've always wanted, and, by golly, this is what I'm going to do. And I'm going to LIKE it.

Are your eyeballs about to fall out yet?

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