2003-04-16 ~ 4:55 a.m.

Episodic Self Injurer

I've begun this particular entry about 7 times. I've started it with very long introductions, so this time I will just some right out and say it to just get it over with.....

I am an episodic self injurer.

There you have it. That is my final buried secret. Ok, my final really BIG secret.

It was a secret to even me until a few days ago. I understand you might ask yourself, "How would you not realize that you hurt yourself?" But that's not what I didn't realize. I more didn't realize that not everybody else did it. It just seemed to me that everyone reached a breaking point where they would throw stuff or hit stuff.

And, I'm right, people DO do that, but I've found that it's a lot more rare that they do it to themselves, which I did.

A few TV shows and movies have touched on the subject. In fact, ironic story, I was watching ER, and they had a girl on there who was a "cutter". That one guy with the beard asked her why she cut herself, I couldn't even tell you what she answered because in my head I was thinking, "Why in the world would anyone want to cut themself?"

You see, I did not, in fact, cut myself. I beat myself viciously around the head. You can't see the bruises that way, you know. It would usually also bruise my knuckles. Sometimes I would use a wall if I didn't think I was hurting myself enough, but that was rare because that just gets too loud, and I really didn't want anyone to know what I was doing.

Yeah... it sounds really, really crazy. Oddly enough, less crazy than you think. There's a growing number of us. I don't mean it like that it is a fad, I mean it like Self Injurers are finally "coming out."

Self Inflicted Violence (SIV) is how we have learned to cope with stressful situations. Some people do it everyday. I just did it every now and again when things were getting too intense for me. I would say about 6 times in the past year. I'm not trying to sound like I'm "better" than another self injurer. I'm actually trying to make you, yes you, feel better. I don't need all you guys worrying about me and fawning over me all the time, keeping sharp (er.. blunt I should say) things away from me.

I don't want a bunch of emails telling me not to do it anymore. If you go here you will find out what you need to know, if anything. I urge you to go. I urge you to send anyone there who needs information or if they, themselves are a self injurer.

4 days ago, I didn't even know there was a name for what I had. I didn't realize that all the crap that I feel about myself AND that I hit myself were even linked. I'm glad to know that now. It's going to make therapy go a lot smoother when I finally go.

So here I am, in full fuzzy-greyness.

I will rant later. I just really, really needed to get this off my chest.

(curtsey)

And I would like to thank Roomate, Rally Edition and c-otter and Boyfriend, Rally Edition for being SO wonderfully supportive instead of appalled when I did come out to them. I really appreciate it. And I will need much more support soon, I'm sure.

And, yeah, you can call me Dobby if you want.

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