2007-07-26 ~ 7:03 p.m.

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Hey, ya'll.

Well, big news.

My husband and I are going to go ahead and get a divorce. Some of you may remember the big separation of last year. Well, this year, we really mean it.

Again, I will tell you that Hubby, Rally Edition, is the most decent gentleman that I have ever met. Anyone would be lucky to have him. And I was.

But as we all know, we can only give what we have to give, and I believe that we were both simply incapable of giving each other what the other one needed. We just don't have it in us.

We tried our best, and we did everything we could. It was a really great 5 years. I even wanted to celebrate it by having a divorce reception. Ya know, kinda go out the way we came in; with finger foods, alcohol, and fancy cupcakes. Unfortunately, his side of the friends was simply appalled by the idea while mine thought it was a FANTASTIC idea.

Do you kinda understand why it didn't work?

We definitely come from two different worlds. I thought that my world was bad and dysfunctional and not how people should live, and that I should change to fit into his obviously perfect, tidy world. I've learned that there's nothing wrong with either side. It's just that some people are one way and the other side is the other and it's a matter of mutual respect instead of disgust at the other.

I had to learn to be proud of my roots and myself. I just need to be who it is that I am. And this is what I am.

There's no easier way to say it, and I hate for my husband to read this, but he knows that he doesn't have to and any further would probably be detrimental to his mental stability, but the catalyst for such a drastic change is that I met a boy. (Oh, it's not that the husband doesn't know, it's just that he doesn't need any details that he doesn't already know, don't you think?)

Anyway, this boy and I have done nothing physical. There was just an email that changed the world. I had cheated in my heart and knew that I had to finish my marriage. This boy made me feel things that I forgot could be felt. Things that I had strived to feel in my marriage. I simply could not. Believe me... BELIEVE ME, I wish to God that I could have. I have a beautiful life. But when you realize that something isn't right, you have to make change.

After the email, the universe made sure to make me understand that my decision to end my marriage was the correct one. EVERYTHING told me. The radio, the teevee, a random player at my table. It was very odd.

The radio- Fergie- "Big Girls Don't Cry". Have you heard the words?

The teevee- Waitress on "State of Mind" on Lifetime-

"There's nothing wrong with him, right? He doesn't drink, doesn't beat you, he picks up his own socks, he make a decent living...I mean, what the hell? So it seems a little picky, doesn't it, with all the losers out there, you want to give up a decent guy just because he bores you so much, it makes you long for pain."

Fuck, Lifetime, you're right.

Random Player-
"Whatever you do, do it with passion."

Yes, sir, mr. player.

The player saying that seemed odd. It seemed almost out of nowhere but yet exactly what I needed to hear.

Anyway, everything has happened very fast. The Hubby has taken me to look for houses to rent. He's being so very supportive and, again, decent. If he were part of my group of friends, I would be awfully leary.

I want you guys to understand, I'm not leaving my husband FOR this random guy. Not hardly. Not in a million years. Bitch, please.

But I am leaving BECAUSE of this guy and what he represents. It's interesting and fresh. And completely unexpected. I wasn't looking, and it happened.

Anyway. It is what it is. And I am what I am. And I am more sure of what it is that I am than ever before.

And I'm scared shitless.

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