2002-08-29 ~ 7:10 a.m.

She Cries

I've defeated myself once again. I showed my belly and he walked away. Life goes on. Time heals the wound.

and so on. and so on. and so on.

I don't even know what to say or how to say it.

BoyFriend, Rally Edition broke up with me. I'm sure it's for the best. He didn't feel towards me what I felt towards him.

I'm crushed. Angry. Heartbroken. Relieved?

We live in different worlds as I'm sure we'll continue to do. He moved me in ways that I needed to be moved. He let me see things that I needed to see. I definitely learned a lot about myself. I even got to see pieces of the world that I hadn't seen before.

In my head, I thought that it would be a life-victory for me to get this relationship to work. It just seemed so right. So many things started to make sense.

And then, at the same time, I knew how it wouldn't work. There were lifetimes of changes that needed to happen. Things that were normal for one weren't normal for the other. It would have taken a lot of time and hard work.

He doesn't have the time, and my friends know how I feel about hard work. (Yay! A joke!)

Now I know that my life-victory will come from applying what I've learned.

....and I think what I've learned is that right now, I'm better off on my own. I've realized that loving someone isn't enough. (ok, I've learned this before, but now I really understand it.) Now I know that I have to actually fit love into life. I know for certain that I can love, now I'm going to learn how to live.

For the first time in a long time, I'm relieved that I am not younger. Which is to say, I don't feel that the world has ended. It's just a little fuzzier grey than it was yesterday.

And because I'm a little older, I know that the sun will come out again.

......but for now.... I cry.

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