2002-07-07 ~ 5:49 p.m.

Squishy Feelings

So.... I was having this "issue."

I was letting this tiny comment that was made weeks ago gnaw at me....and gnaw at me.......and gnaw at me. And the worst part was I didn't really realize why it was gnawing at me. I just knew that it kept running through my mind during odd moments of my daily thoughts.

Someone pointed out why particularly it was gnawing at me. I think this distraught me even more. Which was actually for the best.

There was a day there that I would just start to cry. Things were awkward. A myriad of past conversations would float in my head. And I would cry. That day I really felt pathetic. I felt like I should be more, but didn't know how to be more or how to be more of what.

I actually started to think about breaking up with BRE.

As it turns out, this would have fixed a problem that wasn't there.

God, I love how entertaining life is.

So, firstly, I would like to thank my kick-ass roommate for advising me to not even think about starting procedings to break up with BRE. I would never have been happy about that decision. At the time, it just seemed inevitable. It really, really seemed inevitable. Let me take this time to say again how inevitable it seemed. It seemed inevitable.

The next day I went to BRE's house. At first, the only thing going through my mind was how inevitable it was that we were going to break up fairly soon, but how I was going to go about staying with him until the inevitable happened.

And then he asked, "Are you unhappy?"

(Editor's Note: I cry a lot. I cry at everything. I cry when happy. I cry when sad. I cry during almost every movie. I especially cry when someone asks me if I'm unhappy and I am.)

So I cried. And we talked.

As it turns out, not really knowing how he felt was taking its toll on me. My last relationship was a year and a half of not knowing how that person felt about me. So, on the one hand, you would think I would be used to it, but on the other hand, it was a year and a half of HELL!!!!

I don't think my psyche wanted to handle that for another bit of time, so it's answer was to shut down and break up instead of ASKING BRE what HE felt.

I mentioned to him that I felt that I was not his equal. And he asked me why I felt he wasn't, and I asked him why he felt I was. He listed a few things that, yeah, are nice attributes, but I found nothing special in them. They are attributes that I expect from people. Fortunately, he does.

And he told me something that made my world a better place. Made me feel more comfortable around him.

There was one night I didn't go to his house. He wanted to be alone. (That doesn't bother me because I understand the value of being alone.) And he said that night he realized that he missed me. (Squishy feelings.)

He also apologized for not telling me how he felt sooner. And that was endearing as well.

And then......and then.....and then......

egads... I'll try to remember the joys of sentence construction next entry.

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