2004-10-10 ~ 1:49 p.m.

Gonna Cut Open The Eye And Spit Out The Bones Then Send Them To Jail

I go for my initial exam to begin the whole Lasik process tomorrow. I am fairly excited.

I've learned that as blind as I am, they do have the technology to assist me. It's actually all very fascinating.

They can fix myopia (near-sightedness) up to a -14.0. Now, I have myopia of a -10.0 in one eye, and even though I'm *technically* near-sighted, I can't really see anything in detail unless I hold it WAAAAAY up to my eye. (Yes, just one eye, because I can't see it with both eyes, it needs to be closer.) (Yeah, sure, laugh....... fuckers.) So, I can't imagine being a -14.0.

There is one amazing laser system called LADARvision. It does everything. It maps out what needs to be corrected on your cornea. It tracks how your eye is moving and PREDICTS WHERE YOUR EYE IS GOING TO BE when the laser actually hits it. It's all Miss Cleo in your eye and shit. And if that's not enough, it fixes astigmatism and "higher aberrations." Higher aberrations are little inconsistencies in your eye that makes you see halos or starbursts around lights at night and stuff. (Yeah, I just thought it was because of my dirty contacts too.) But, yeah, that's not actually normal. I've also heard that the laser surgery can also fix "floaters."

I actually see little bits of grey stuff floating around. Kinda like when they show a microscopic tray of sperm (or bacteria, or something like those)on teevee where they're all spread out and kinda moving around. It's kinda like that. Some people only get them when they're tired. I get them all the time. I can focus in on them a little if I want. Or, they'll just kinda pass by my line of vision when I change where I'm looking. It's like I have a party in my eyeballs.

I think what's best for me doing the laser surgery now, they also do the original corneal flap cut with a laser instead of a scalpel. I was always a little skittish with the idea of lasik before because of that. I don't think that any amount of drugs would make me ok with a scalpel coming straight for my eye. I watched entirely too many horror movies as a kid to be ok with that. But, now, I only have to be bothered by the scent of burning flesh. YAY technology!!!

The office I'm going to guarantee their work for a year. Some places make you pay more for a second "enhancement" procedure if your eyes don't take right the first time. This place just charges an oxorbitant amount outright to everyone. So, basically, the pansies with -4.0 myopia have to pay the same for less laser power. I'm totally taking advantage of the system.

I keep thinking of the South Park where they dilated Cartman's eyes. (Sigh) South Park still makes me laugh.

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