2003-07-10 ~ 4:35 a.m.

Touche!

I found out an interesting piece of info last night. My favorite friendly neighborhood bartender and our Mutual Friend had a discussion about my relationship with Betrothed, Rally Edition.

There was some mention that I was just kinda "molding into BRE's perfect woman."

My first response is, "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU DEAD BETWEEN THE EYES!!"

But my second response goes a little something like this.....

I can see where you're coming from. The past year of my life has been full of a lot of change. A WHOLE LOT of change. Like, it's one thing to change with a relationship....it's another thing to change as much as I have.

First I'll talk about the ways I have changed....

I've quit smoking.

I've stopped my nightly ritual of gambling and heavy drinking.

I've joined a gym.

I've come to terms and understood and have gotten control of my self injurious behaviour.

I've stopped doing heavy drugs.

I also certainly don't go home with random strangers anymore.

I have a much better grasp on my temper.

My lines of communication, though still a teensy bit strained, are MUCH more open than they used to be.

I wake up before 6 pm.....like everyday!

I pay my bills ontime.

Holy......HELL! WHAT KIND OF CREATURE HAS THIS BEAST TURNED ME INTO????

Well, I guess I'm still a bit of me. My life is still full of clutter. We go out regularly after work for a drink. I still partake in a little "creative gardening" with a couple of friends some weekends. And even though he doesn't like when I do it, I even tell him about it. I still put my $20-60 in the video poker machines every now and then. When he's at work and I'm at home and no one else is available to go out, I grab a book and grab a bite to eat (gasp!) by myself at this great restaurant down the street.

Here's the second part of my response, I read someone's diary the other day. They were talking about the movie "Psycho" where Norman Bates talks about how some people are just meant to struggle and not get anywhere. That's just what life has offered them. She reflected, as I am now, why aren't I meant to struggle anymore when it seems that other people still have to with what seems no hope of ever coming out. Her significant other told her that, though he would love to say that it was because of him that she got out of it, realistically what it was was that she had made a choice to get out of it.

I could easily say that I changed all these things about myself so that BRE would like me more. But, no. I made a choice. I chose to do things that were better for myself. I will give him credit, though. He helped me see that I was worth doing better things for myself.

Besides, I would say that I am not necessarily the "perfect" woman for him. I'm probably the exact opposite. I just make his life SO much more fun and interesting and loving. Ok, yeah, I guess that does make us perfect for each other.

So THERE!.....stupid hippies.

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