2003-04-21 ~ 5:47 a.m.

The Rut In Full Technicolor

I would like to take this time to talk about my parents.

My mom and stepdad were in town this week. They were in from DEtroit. (You're supposed to put extra emphasis on the DE part... I don't know why.) I love them. I do. But only because I'm related to them. They just downright piss me off otherwise.

My mom and I were involved in a conversation; that is to say that she was talking while I nodded at appropriate times. About a month ago, during a self injury stint, I was instant messaging her and told her that I was depressed. That's what we were talking about and she was reassuring me that I am young and smart. Ya know, what mothers are supposed to tell their offspring. And she said, "You still have your whole life ahead of you, not like me. I couldn't start over if I wanted to." I can understand why a 50 year old would say this.........but she's been saying that for TWENTY years!!

She's put on a lot of weight too. That worries me. Like in that commercial where they have the donuts around their waists...she looks kinda like that. My stepdad has always been fat, so it's not like he's really helping her with her diet. And she has cholesterol and high blood pressure problems. It's just tragic.

Is it weird to say that I'm watching my mother throw her life away?

I feel like they're ready to keel over and die. Don't get me wrong, they are terrified of death, but they are doing today what they are going to be doing for the rest of their lives. I guess it's good for me to say that I don't want to be like that. I will also have to admit that I was already close to being like that.

I'm glad that I was "saved" from that fate. It's just so weird to see it and know it for what it is. I mean, I hear about it all the time. I see it in the senior citizens that go to my work and spend their nickels every day of their life. It was just never so real then seeing it in my parents.

I think I need to be a better daughter. No seriously, hear me out. I don't call them nearly as much as I should. Maybe if I did, I could get my mom on a treadmill. I know she wore me down to submission plenty of times in my youth, it's time to return the favor....

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