2009-06-25 ~ 7:59 a.m.

Kiss The Rain

I started out at 5AM. Headed towards Pahrump. Pahrump is that city about an hour away from Vegas where it's legal for you to pay for sex like God intended. It's a sweet little city that just kinda unfolded around the brothels. Ok, I don't really know the history of Pahrump, but since it is the world's oldest profession, I just figure the Chicken Ranch came before the..... (sigh) I dunno.. you got anything clever that has to do with eggs that would complete this word play? I got nothin'.

I drive to Pahrump when it rains. There are these mountain just over the big hump towards Pahrump (yes, I know, it rhymes.. one of our local weathermen, Nate Tenenbaum, though I don't know if he's still a weatherman as I don't watch the news very much overused "over the hump in Pahrump" while forecasting.. acchh.. nothing to do with the story...FOCUS, Me!!) that catch the clouds and I can often catch a good lightening storm and sweet ass raindrops right there.

I had spent the evening hanging out with a friend and on my way home, I saw these dark, heavy clouds and decided I needed to make a journey. It had been quite a long time since I�ve done it. I�m not really sure how long I�ve been storm chasing. Nothing fancy like them people in �Twister�, but I live in a goddamn desert, so if there�s rain nearby, by golly, I�m gonna chase after it. It was when I was married that I finally found my �normal route.�

I take the road that was just off of my housing development, past Red Rock Canyon, past Bonnie Springs, past the most adorable township of Blue Diamond, onto the SRC 160 or something and on to Pahrump where I go to the Terrible�s Casino, use the restrooms that don�t have electronic flushers, god bless them, gas up, buy an awful �pork� sandwich from the attached convenience store, and head back home after promising myself (again!) after I see the billboard on the way out of time that the next time I come out, I�ll go to the Brothel Museum even though I�ve heard it�s really not worth it.

The road to Pahrump is very unexciting. Besides a few curves, fairly flat. That does something to a person. Things start floating around. Problems that need answers. And there�s something about an open road that promises clarity, isn�t there?

Yeah, well, fuck that. Not a single thing. Not the beginning of anything. Not one answer. It may have even caused more problems.

I�ve been complaining about having a Crisis of Faith for several months now. I don�t think that�s actually true. I have Faith. But that�s about it. Right now, Faith is but a distant light in this impossibly deep cave I�m trapped in. But, I guess, at least it�s there.

The drive today helped me realized how incredibly lost I am. I mean, all week, I had suspected it, but the idea is finally concrete in my head.

What the fuck do I do now?

It�s days like these that suicide sounds so tempting. Nah, I�m not suicid�al�, I�m more suicide-ish. I like to think about it. I like thinking how much easier nothingness would be. Could never do it. Would like to. Simply couldn�t. Life is too great.

What? It is.

Before �what the fuck do I do now� took over my brain, as I drove towards Pahrump, the sun was rising behind me, casting it�s rose-ish tones on the Red Rocks. It was gorgeous. There was a particular set of clouds in the distance where I knew it was raining, and towards the right, the sun had cast a rainbow from it. As I got over that hump where the clouds usually catch a little, I did see one brilliant lightening bolt, and at the same time, at least 4 very serious drops of rain landed on my windshield. It almost moved me to tears. I had that feeling in my chest, it took my breath away.

And that�s what I live for.

I have no idea What The Fuck to do now, but at very least, I know that there is something to live for, even for just a glimpse.

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