2009-01-02 ~ 6:48 a.m.

Full Circle

I was 17. I was in love with this dude in high school. And by �in love� I mean, he was the most amazing sex I ever had�.oh..and he had these beautiful green puppy dog eyes�Oh my GODSZ!

Also by �in love� I mean we fucked for the one day that we ditched school while his parents weren�t home and his brother and one of my girlfriends were downstairs doing chores while we weren�t. One afternoon. The most amazing afternoon of my life.

See, it was ok to fuck me because he didn�t have a girlfriend. Oh, he did? Oh, but they�re �taking a break�� oh�ok.

I don�t remember a lot of the details. Like the details as to WHY I stopped by the particular day I did. Why did I show up? Cell phones weren�t in wide use, so I couldn�t call. I probably did call, but he probably didn�t answer. I wonder how many times that happened. I don�t even want to know how many times I called him. I�m kinda glad that wasn�t kept track of. But I would bet I called him a lot, and it drove me nuts that he didn�t answer, so I just showed up at his house. I JUST SHOWED UP to a guy�s house who I had fucked ONE time with no real prior relationship. We might have talked on the phone a little that night.

So I show up�somehow, I know his parents aren�t home. There�s a window at the front door, so you can see whose shoes are there. I notice ladies� shoes. I know there shouldn�t be ladies� shoes there. I ring the doorbell. A head of flowing blonde hair comes down the stairs�Casey�s family are brunettes�

No.

Shit.

She answers the door. I don�t know what to say. Is Casey here? He can�t come to the door? Tell him I stopped by to say hi. What look did she have on her face? Is that a smirk? Does she feel sorry for me? What the FUCK??? What the fuck just happened? But he was totally into me. He fucked me ALL day. He LIKED IT!! I **KNOW*** HE LIKED IT!!!

I never cried as hard over ANYONE as I did that day. I have since, but this was the first time I had ever felt that kind of pain.

How could anyone DO that to another person? Why wouldn�t he personally call and tell me that he and his girlfriend got back together? Didn�t I mean ANYTHING to him??? I�m special. I KNOW I�m special, and if he would just give me a chance, I would be SO good to him. I would do ANYTHING he wanted. ANYTHING for him! I would give up EVERYTHING�.for this guy I knew for a day.

I �stopped by� another day too. I left a card. I don�t remember what kind of card. I don�t know all that I wrote. I am so very glad I don�t remember exactly what I wrote� I do remember, that I quoted �Tears In Heaven�.. It was on the radio at the time and Eric Clapton was Casey�s favorite song person�

Oh, my godsz, it�s so retarded.

I went to the same school as Casey the year after. I didn�t have any classes with him because I�m real smart and he�.wasn�t. But soon enough Casey was ripping another girl�s heart out through her anus, and she was one of my pretty good friends. I had to hear her cry on more than one occasion about how she never felt this way about anyone in her life�blah blah and on and on. I tried to tell her I understood, and that the best thing to do would be to cut her losses. Oh, but noooo, she couldn�t. But I totally understood that too. Anyway, he toyed with her for two whole weeks, that lucky girl. All I got was one DAY.

That penis was powerful.

Anytime that I�ve looked back on that day, I just chuckle to myself how silly I was. Who the hell was he? One day of sex? Not even a love note passed in the hallway. It was just one day of sex and probably a couple of weeks of me going manic over him. He was barely involved in the relationship, but I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone ever ever EVER!

I had gone to my friend�s house afterwards, and I remember her saying something to the effect of, �but you guys weren�t even �together��.. OH she didn�t UNDERSTAAAND�
Nobody understands!

As it turns out, Casey isn�t even a blip on the screen of the history of my greatest lovers. I�ve never talked about him before, I probably never will again. But for a few weeks back in �93, he was my EVERYTHING.

The feeling was so intense, I thought for sure that must be love. I wasn�t taught what love was, so something like that comes along, and it�s exactly the stuff that they talk about in songs and movies. I know now it�s not. The intense feeling has sparked many great romances, but itself is not love. Someone said this to me the other day, �The problem is, there�s only one word for love. The Eskimos have all those words for snow. We need more words for love.� That is so true.

I�ve had a string of enjoyable, obsessive relationships. From the very beginning. And I haven�t known how to break the cycle. I love falling in love. I love sex. I love falling in love with a new sex person. But that kind of love isn�t serving my purpose. Not at all. I thought that I would be able to pick more accepting people. Especially with the relationship that I have with the ex. I thought that he was a good example in my life, so I would attract other guys like him. I so don�t do that. I do the opposite of that. Don�t get me wrong. All great guys. Each and every one of them in their own special way. I�ll just leave it at that.

Which brings me to 2009. Hellooo, 2009.

2008 was super. I had bunches of fun, but it�s time to put away all childish things. I don�t need to be in a relationship at all. I will learn to say no. I have to.

And knock off the spending. That�s been ridiculous.

And I really don�t need to drink that much.

I could stand to cut down a little on the weed too.

And fried foods.

And wonderful, marvelous cheese. Moderation, you idiot, moderation.

Stop being ridiculous, -Me..

I�m serious.

Notes work, comments do not.

{ previous ~ next }