2005-05-30 ~ 3:20 p.m.

This Is Why I Didn't Go To College

My mom is a freak. Fuh-REAK. I think I've mentioned that before, but it is worth mentioning again.

For those of you just tuning in, she's asian. Oh, so very asian. You would think after living in a country for over 30 years, one would have a better grasp of the language...um.. but no. This has nothing to do with her freakiness, I'm just letting you know that I in no way altered the following conversation. My translation of her text, and also my comments, will be in parenthesis.
So, when you read her dialogue, be sure to think of a very heavy Vietnamese accent.

Mom: hi kiwii !
(She started calling me "kiwi" a year ago. I have no idea why.)
comayinform: how r you?
(Also she types like a teenage boy)
Me: I'm alright.
Me: just woke up.
Mom: have you do any more show?
(This is funny because she has never once remembered when my days off are even though they've been essentially the same for the past 7 years, and I can only do a show on my day off, and last week, she finally remembered when my days off were, but now she's asking about the show because she can't remember even though they are the same day....this is why I believe she is actively trying to drive me insane.)
Me: not until thursday...
Mom: just got very good idea for you!
(I physically braced myself for it.)
Me: what's that?
Mom: like do you have any body to watch you ??
Me: when I'm not onstage?
Mom: in the audience.
Me: um... the audience.
Mom: yeah tell one or two of your friend watching you from .the audience. and they will be your cridit
("tell your friends to watch you and they will be your critics")
Me: they're all critics all the time anyway.
Me: people Looooooooooooooooooooooooove to be a critic.
Me: all I got is advice, advice, advice.
Me: and very little of it is valuable to what I'm doing.
Mom: like they tell you ! what you doing wrong. to be better .
(I'm not sure about the random punctuation, but I'm sure you can figure out what she's saying.)
Me: the best advice I get is from other comics... but the other comics there aren't very good either.
Mom: no not the one who know it all!
Me: and the only thing I'm doing wrong is not remembering my act.
Me: mom......EVERYONE knows it all.
Mom: ohhhhhhhhh!
Mom: (ROFL smiley face)
Mom: thought i could help out!
Me: see?
Me: (smiley face)
(She also completely missed the irony there.)
Mom: well you dont want too many advice! that is so confuse.
Me: I always listen and just use the advice that I need.
Me: and just smile for the rest because people like to feel helpful.
Mom: so you need vitamine e.
(What?)
Me: for memory?
Mom: a and b!
Me: or for my skin?
Mom: for memory!
Me: what about gingko biloba?
Mom: that too .
Mom: sub with vitamin e.
(I'm not sure either...maybe "substitute with"?)
Mom: and most of all consentrace.
(concentrate)
Me: (the very smile I was speaking of earlier)
Me: hard to concentrate onstage.
Mom: have to.
Me: that's not helpful.
Me: (again, a smiley face hoping to shut her up.)
Mom: think about some thing very serious.
Mom: like you got to get this job!
Mom: not to smile!
(WHAT???)
Me: that doesn't help at all.
Me: I think that would make me more nervous.
Mom: and when you get it going then you can relax a little!
Me: not helpful at all, mom.
Me: I'm sorry.
Mom: so usuly what get you to concertrate??
(I've corrected most of her spelling mistakes up to this point, but if you read it how it's spelled, this is how she pronounces things.)
Me: umm...
Me: I dunno.
Me: I don't usually have to concentrate on anything.
(except minesweeper)
Mom: think of a way to do it!???
Me: mom......how is that good advice?
Mom: this is imfotance.
(heh.. "important")
Me: mom....just stop.
Mom: well because some time you say thing .you may say silly thing but you make me think!
Mom: im not always right but. some time i say thing . thing my come to you.!
(I'm not always right, but sometimes I say things, and things might come to you."
Mom: cause you smart.
Me: (another smiley face hoping to finally, finally shut her up...oh, but I *am* smart)
Mom: i not trying to be your critid.
("critic")
Me: I know...
Mom: just love to see you believe in your self.

And then she had to go.

But this is the kind of support I've gotten from her all of my life. None of that "helpful advice" bullshit. And she SERIOUSLY wonders why I needed therapy.

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