Newest Entry
Older Entries
Contact Me
Get Your Own Diaryland
Designed by Kris 'Destral' Wilke at Destral.net

To start with, I finally turned on comments, so ya'll don't have to sign my guestbook each time. I know how some of you had a really hard time finding that BIG ASS button at the bottom. See? I'm here for you.

So, feel free to be commentatin'.

To continue my e-mail writing story... I have written many more. I wrote two to Ellen DeGeneres, but I sent them through her show's website, so they didn't go through my mail server, and I didn't have the forethought to copy it. You'd think at least during the second e-mail I would have had the idea, but no.

But I did also send an e-mail to Maria Bamford. She is one incredibly funny lady. She is also a comedienne that has very much shaped my funny. She has this tiny little voice, she's a small, pocket sized person, but she's got a lot of sizzle...and only uses her super powers for good. Her super power being the amazing voices that come out of her mouth. Her voice is on a lot of cartoons that are out now. I won't get into all of that, if you would like to know, go to her website yourself....
It's mariabamford.com. I would link it, but I don't have that kind of time today.

The email to her went a little something like this...

****************************

Hi Nice Lady!

I think it's important to tell you that I shall be your opening act at a future performance. I don't want to take advantage of your niceness, so I thought it would be appropriate to give you written notification.

I can't just up and fly out anytime you decide to have a show because though I don't have an actual "real" job, it is real enough to pay me real money. I do tentatively have wednesday and thursday off, so if you need me one of those days, let me know.

I haven't actually ever been on a stage to do comedy, but I am well acquainted with a stage. I took theatre in high school and did really well. I didn't really act too much, but I DID move a lot of props around, so I think I would do really well with the mic.

As for my comedic stylings, I'll let you know that I am very funny. Many people have told me that I am very funny, and since we know that most people are jerks, I take that as a very high compliment.

Not that you aren't the best, but I've also e-mailed a few other comedians that I admire to let them know that I will be opening for them as well. Since I only get two days off a week (if that!), don't be offended if I am unable to open for you when you call. I PROMISE I will open for you eventually.

Also, I live in Las Vegas, so if you would do a show out here, that would make it a lot easier for me. If you need somewhere to stay, I have a guest bedroom you can stay in provided that my lawyer friend isn't staying with me, and I have a dog, so if you're allergic, bring some Benadryl.

Talk to you later!

"FizGig."

****************************

Needless to say, she has not yet responded.

Ok, wait, you just have to sit through two more...for now...

This next one went to Dane Cook. F'n hottie of comedic hotties...oh yeah, and he's really funny too...

*****************************

Mr. Dane Cook,

I am e-mailing you to inform you that I will be your opening act when you make your way down here to Las Vegas. I am exceptionally funny and will make your show that much funnier. You don't even have to meet me, just make sure that there is a time slot for me and that I get paid afterwards.

You don't even have to pay me that much. (Provided that it's a day that I don't already work at my other money-paying job.)

I have e-mailed other comics to let them know that I will open for them as well, one of them said no and the others haven't replied yet. I am in NO WAY implying that I've been turned down and ignored by better comics. I would NEVER say that. You are incredibly talented comic. I'm just saying that I forgot to get in touch with you first.

Anyway, be sure to give me a call a few days before any gig you may have in Vegas so that I'm prepared. I'll be expecting your call.

"FizGig"

***********************

This next one, I think, is probably the most amusing to me. I wrote it to Arj Barker. He's a little cutie too. He's also one of the creators of Marijuana-Logues that you may have heard about recently. (Ooooh, lookit me, dropping names of people I've never even met. People who haven't even bothered to e-mail me.......yet....)

**************************

Mr. Arj Barker,

I am a recent fan of your work. You can thank my attention to the wonderful world of Comedy Central.

In the past week, I have taken to writing comics to inform them of my interest in being their opening act. As you can imagine, I haven't gotten any takers. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "If you think I'm so fucking great, why wouldn't you ask me in the first place?" And I deserve that.

Here's my reason: The comics I e-mailed have been in the game for awhile. They're older. They're tired. I felt they needed a breath of life in their tired work schedule. Because, let's face it, when you start seeing your career as a "job", it's time to get some new tang around you. Who hasn't been there, right? haha!

As I received rejection after rejection from them, I realized the error of my thought processes. Why would I want to liven up a dull party? Eff that!! I need to hang where the action is HOTtuhtuh!! Don't just fire people up to hear the same jokes again, but set up the fire so that you, YOU, Arj Barker don't have to work as hard to burn the place down!

We're gonna be hot! It's gonna not only be "Arj Barker and some little crazy white chick." It's gonna be "That fucking CRAZY white chick, and then ARJ BARKER!!!!!!"

Man, I don't know about you, but I'm getting tingles because it just feels so right.

I mean, it's not gonna get kinky between us. I am married... but I'll tell you, the chicks love me too, and I'll have to let them down easy, but send that hot bisexual action to my soul brother. (That's you, Arj!)

Let me know what you think. I live in Vegas, so I figure you have to make your way here anyway (if you haven't already, and if you have, well, it's freakin' Vegas,) so if you just want me to open up for you when you're out here, just to see how good I am, we can do that, and work out all the details afterward.

Hey, it's been great e-mailing you, that's all my time.

-"FizGig."

************************

That one was sent about a week ago, but no reply. I wonder if my emails get caught in Spam nets. Ah well. I still get to tell ya'll the story.

There are a few more that I want to send emails to. I am getting a teensy bit downtrodden from the lack of response. I mean, not enough to stop doing it. It's still funny to me. When I am finished writing to every comic I can think of who has an email address, I'm just going to do it all over again. (Let me know if you still want to read them, otherwise I'll probably just keep them to myself and put them in my autobiography that I went ahead and started last week.)

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish these people would have more of a sense of humour.

3 Funnies Left So Far

{ previous ~ next }


powered by SignMyGuestbook.com