2002-03-02 ~ 6:45 a.m.

It's All Hula-Hoops And Jump Ropes

I made a psychological breakthrough the other night..and best yet without the help of a psych/ologist/iatrist/ic/o.

I was e-mailing with my goddess friend and was sharing stories as we usually do....or, more accurately as I do and she comments on them. I think I've found the root to my self-esteem, or lack thereof, and quite possibly the I lack initiative.

When I was a wee young lass, I went to some summer "thing" with my grandparents, cousins and one aunt. There was a hula-hoop contest... and HOT DAMN!! I was a hula-hoop master. I could spin that sucker around my waist for hours at a time. I figured I already had first prize in my belt.

So, I spun and spun and spun, and godDAMMIT, someone ran in front of me and knocked into my hoop. One of the judges saw it and mouthed, "Don't worry, I saw it. Keep going."

So I continued.

When they finally announced the winner...it was not me.

What the CRAP??

I looked at the judge. They looked as though they were leaning over to whisper something to the other judge. The other judge seemed not to care, so the judge gave me a worried look, shrugged, and mouthed, "I'm sorry."

The girl that won had also seen what happened. Granted, she didn't give me the prize that should have been mine, (that would have been stupid) but she gave me this little beaded change purse that she had. I couldn't even tell you what first prize was, but I do remember that little red change purse and it's green, yellow, and white beaded glory.

I went back to my grandparents, they asked if I had won. (No one in my family had actually watched.)I told them basically what had happened, and they were just kinda like, "Oh. Well. Let's go then."

That's gotta suck for a 4 year old.

When I was in elementary school, besides being a hula-hoop master, I was a jump rope queen.

(Side note: I jumped rope the other night, after a minute I was breathing so hard I thought my chest would explode, and these breast thingies don't make it very easy either.)

There was this jump rope thing. I don't really remember the details. I just remember that it was a city-wide type deal where we were bussed to another school to jump rope. There were different grade levels and all that.

I JUMPED my little heart out!!

If you pay attention to my life, you can probably guess what happened next.

Someone ran in front of me and messed up my jump.

DAMMIT!

Not to worry, though, a judge saw what had happened and mouthed, "Don't worry. I saw it. Keep Going."

I should have known something was amiss.

I don't even think I got a ribbon. Well, probably one of those lame ass ribbons saying that I competed because schools always feel the need to give ribbons or stupid gold stars to everyone.

I wore the bastard "Burkhart" shirt proudly, as they cleverly made shirts with the word BURK and a picture of a heart. (Though I do remember being annoyed having to explain what a BURK was.) But I don't think I even bothered telling anyone what had happened. It was practically protocol.

I felt kind of like I had made my way to the Olympics just to end up falling during the short program. In the grand scheme, what is hula-hooping and jump roping? I tell ya what, though, at the time, those were my life.

I did them, and I did them well. I did them DAMN well. Unfortunately, life decided a quick, brisk boot to the head would be better for me.

I look back on things, and I kinda wonder how I would be different had I won those events. I see where I had no courage to face something because of fear of most probable defeat.

I think now that I know where it stems from, I can face it better in the future. Better yet, I think I can face things with more wisdom than I would have had I become the star athlete I was so obviously destined to be.

I've learned a lot of humility in my life. Humility in itself doesn't seem to be an important characteristic.....until you meet someone who doesn't have any.

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