2009-01-16 ~ 8:12 a.m.

Based On A True Story

Let me throw a hypothetical situation at you�

Here�s the situation�Let�s say you are in an intense romantical situation with someone. As with many intense situations, something just happens, and one of the two people thinks that a step back should be taken and tells the other that maybe the two shouldn�t have sex anymore, that it�s poisoning the relationship.

Texting that person 33 times in one hour is a perfectly normal way to react, isn�t it?

Right?

I mean, a few of those texts were actually continuations of one long text, so it�s not like 33 texts were sent�just, maybe 20.

Oh, no? That�s not normal? Ya know, that�s what everyone I asked said too. Especially after I tell them that our whole relationship from the first time he sent a comment to me (yes, it all started online) to me not speaking to him again was one month, not even a calendar month. The ACTUAL time we were together was 10 days. I think. It might have just been 9. And, sure, I know, there are some very successful marriages that have lasted less time, but I�m not one of those people.

I wrote a little thingy about a boy that I was heartbroken over a couple of entries ago. The reason I wrote it was to try and educate the boy that sent me 33 text messages in one hour. I was hoping he would read the line that said that boy from many moons ago hardly even registers a moment in history anymore�.instead I got a text saying, �How can I find acceptance when you did to me exactly what Casey did to you?�

Touch�, sir, touch�.

I forget that I just never make a point very well. I�m not a very good debater.

So me and this guy met on one o� dem social network pages, you know the ones, and we seem to hit it off really well. When I met him, he was physically not someone I have traditionally been attracted to, but whatever. Peoples is peoples. We made each other laugh, and it turned out the sex was pretty decent too!

The whole time though (heh, the whole time, those whole two and a half weeks at the beginning), these little red flags kept popping up. I let them slide. I kept thinking, �well, yeah, I know I marked that type of comment or gesture with a red flag in previous relationships, but he�s really different. I don�t think that means that even though it�s been proven to me a thousand times that�s what it does mean.�

And the straw the broke the camel�s back wasn�t even a whole piece of straw. It was like one of them tiny pieces of broken straw that the camel kept stepping on all day.

(sniffle) He called me a �bad person.�

It was in reference to that time a few months back when I had my man harem. He called me a bad person for leading all those men on or something or other. It flash angered me because I didn�t mistreat any of those men. They all knew exactly what they were getting into, and most of them appreciated it because they weren�t in a time in their life where they really wanted a relationship, but they did want someone who they were comfortable with to have sex with. And me too.

I mean, I haven�t wanted a relationship since I signed them deevorce papers. Not a �relationship� relationship. I did want to stop having the man harem because, fuck, I was just really tired. It takes a lot of time to keep 4 men and 1 woman satisfied. (Not all at once, of course, but only because none of them would agree to it.) 

I think I didn�t get my point across exactly to this one. I think me saying �I don�t want a relationship� translated in his brain as �I didn�t want a relationship until I met great, marvelous you.�

Oh, but I was talking about the broken camel anyway�. Ok� so this comment bothered me. And I had to figure out why it bothered me so much. But then something else happened that I didn�t have to think about much at all�he went to leave me. And when he went to do that, I thought, �ah yes. That sounds right.� But you know how people never just leave, they have to talk first. So he talked, and, goddammit, I answered. And I can�t remember what I said, but even as I said it, I was thinking that I shouldn�t say it, but it popped out of my mouth anyway, and he responded with, �Oh, well, then I won�t leave.� And the first thought in my head was, �Umm� yes you will.� I told him I needed time to think.

It took me 5 days to �think�. That tortured him a lot. That was totally my bad. 5 days in a 10 day relationship is a lot. I should have been more considerate. In my world, 5 days isn�t really a lot of time. It still isn�t.

But in those 5 days, I thought about why his comment bothered me. It bothered me because it was a snap judgment on his part. It bothered me FURTHER because his next text to me was�

�I guess I just feel like I was a bad guy for unintentionally hurting women who wanted more from me than I could give. I don�t want to use women for sex anymore and be careless with their hearts. And I just want to be a good guy. Sorry for projecting. I think you�re beyond wonderful and I love you.�

It felt like..�*I* don�t want to unintentionally hurt women�but if that�s what *you* want to do with your life, who am I to judge???�

There are two reasons it took me 5 days to tell him �we should stop having sex�. One is because I knew he would react��..strongly. In those days, almost every status update he posted usually was an answer to my own status updates, some of them had to do with him �waiting patiently, not wanting to, but doing it�, I got changed to his number one friend (I explain the importance of that later), just little things like that that made me go, �Oh, fuck, man� really? This is �leaving me alone�?�

The second reason it took me so long to respond to him is because I was a little baked out of my gourd. Ya know, after the smoke clears, and you go, �whoa, 5 days, really?� Actually I didn�t know it had been 5 days until he mentioned it to me�repeatedly. I knew what my answer was going to be by about the second or third day, I don�t remember, but I didn�t want to spend my entire weekend fighting with him about it. I know that it would have taken my entire weekend. He would have fought hard, and it would have been in person, and, as I mentioned above, I�m not a good debater, so it would have been a lot of (him), �SEE??? You said this, so this doesn�t make sense.�
Me (knowing that what he�s saying is inherently wrong, but not being able to give the right answer as to why): �yeah, but I think it should be this way.�
�Well, you�re just confused because you were abused as a child and you�re just pushing me away because you�re scared about me getting too close.�
Me: �Um� ok.�

Ok, so that wasn�t an awesome description, but, like I mentioned, I�m a REALLY bad debater...

So, instead of doing this in person, before I went upstairs to work, I sent him a text message saying that �I think we should stop having sex.� He asked why, and I said, �it�s poisoning our relationship.� I then turned my ringer off and went upstairs. I turned my ringer off because I figured he might either not speak to me at all (which proves that I truly did not know him) or that he might text me a whole lot, either way, I didn�t want to know right away.

I already gave that ending away, 33 texts in the hour I was upstairs. He hadn�t put it together that I was at work, and that�s why I wasn�t answering, but even still. It just seems a little excessive to me.

We texted a bit that night. I spent most of the night trying to catch up with the first 33. I was done, and by done, I mean �over it� by the time he started with the �And the way you�ve chosen to end things with me is totally awful. What�s wrong with you? What happened to you as a kid that would cause you to treat another person this way?�

Why would you say that to someone, first of all� second of all, why would you say that to someone who only said that they don�t want to have sex with you anymore? Thirdly, why would you later go onto say, �My manic behavior was reasonable considering the circumstances� and �Most guys who cared about you who were in my shoes would�ve reacted the exact same way.� I�m gonna go with �no� on both of those.

Now, I agree, breaking up with someone by text is a little tasteless. But, if you remember, I didn�t end things with him, I just said that we should stop having sex. I figured if he loved me having sex with me, he can love me while not having sex with me too. And, no. But even still, our whole relationship started and was mostly maintained in text and email. Actually seeing each other was just a bonus. It�s a brave new world, folks. Everyone is going to break up in text message someday.

I have been standing very firm on not contacting him. If I send a thought his way, I get inundated with texts or emails. He�s a talker, that one. He CAN listen. If you give him an hour of your time, he�ll learn everything about you. I�ve learned that when you start to tell him things he doesn�t want to hear, he shuts completely down.

One of my friends��one of MY friends tried his hand at emailing this guy for a couple of days trying to help him understand my point of view, tried to explain the �happiness comes from within� thingy� My friend, rally edition, just got a lot of �I see your point, and I agree�BUT�� My friend realized that he wasn�t getting through, so he let it be.

So, why aren�t I letting it be? I know that he still checks out this blog. Do I want another angry email from him? No, not really, but again, it�s my own goddamned blog. But also, since it is my own goddamned blog, this is something that has been on my mind a lot, something that�s been happening to me. It�s time for me to clear it out of my head, and this blog has always been the best way.

And, yeah, I know he said,

��So do me a favor, and don't respond to this email.
And don't badmouth me publicly on a blog.
And try not to badmouth me in front of your friends too, okay?
Show some class in your life for once. �

Show some class??? That doesn�t sound like me at all. I know which fork to use, but that�s about as far as it goes�

�DON'T LEAVE COMMENTS ABOUT ME.
DON'T TALK ABOUT ME.
DON'T REPLY TO THIS EMAIL OR I'M BLOCKING YOU ON (that networking site we met on).
AND YOU CAN PRIVATELY HATE ME ALL YOU WANT, BUT FOR ONCE IN YOUR SAD, PATHETIC LIFE, TRY TO BE FUCKING NICE ABOUT AN EX.�

Well, he�s already blocked me on that site. I don�t hate him at all. And, quite frankly, I don�t have a sad, pathetic life�not from my perspective anyway, and I do believe that is all that really matters.

Oh yeah, and it�s MY GODDAMNED BLOG�

So what was it that set him off? It wasn�t us not having sex that had him spitting venom, it was me being a �heartless bitch� and �cruel� and �not funny�..

NOT FUNNY?!?!?!

Yeah�. I sorta pushed him over the edge. I pushed him over the edge AFTER we were over. We tried being not necessarily friends but not hateful. When he and I were together, he �friended� a LOT of my friends. I mean, every time I turned around, there was a comment on his page from one of my friends. It was cute� at first.

But he insisted on continuing to �friend� friends of mine after we were broken up to read their blogs. These �friends� being good writers and all, I do understand why he would friend them�but there are a LOT of good writers, and he always leaves comments, so did he have to show up on the blogs that he knows I read? Is that really necessary? Isn�t that a bit weird? It made me a little uncomfortable.

This particular blog talked about internet dating. HEY!! *I* internet date! Dude had already left a comment, so I could conveniently call him out. Should I have? Umm� yeah�I think I should have� I know I�m supposed to say no, but it was my world before he got there, and I�m not giving up my world just to appease somebody else, and I�m certainly not going to censor what I say in my world either. If I go to YOUR house, I would certainly watch my mouth. When you show up at my house without calling first, you learn to accept my behaviours or you show yourself out.

�What was I saying before I self-righteoused-out there? Oh yeah, so my comment was�
�This is such a difficult topic for me because I practically pioneered online dating and the bar is my natural habitat. But it's all true! Not one of those relationships were particularly successful. The latest of the online dating being the person who left the comment about two up from this one who has taken the time to friend about every person that he knows me to talk to or read their blogs, such as this one. Fortunately, I don't believe him to be a violent person, and, hell, this is such a dandy fun blog, who could blame him for friending you? Am I half a step away from getting a tro against him? you betcha! But I'll learn someday....probably after I stop being a �you won't be the 5th guy I screwed this year, more like the 10 or 11th� type of person.�

And then the bottom. dropped. out.

Actually, at first, he just asked why I would call him out like that. And what�s a tro?

Really, the comment isn�t so horrible� but then he looked up what tro is, (temporary restraining order), and THEN the bottom. Dropped. Out.

� and you're full of yourself.
And it�s too bad your ego is so big it takes up the space where your heart should be.�
I really like this line, I�m going to use it someday.

�I'm not going to respond to you publicly on that blog, because I have more class than you.�

Oops.

�But that was fucked up you publicly pointing me out like that.
And it's time for this to be the last email I ever send you.
So let�s just end this now.
And not elevate it.

Don�t blog about me on your little blog and I won�t blog about you. Don�t leave comments about me on blogs. And I won�t leave them about you.�

I have established that this is my own goddamned blog, right? So would it really be fair for him to go full tilt on me and him really expect me to just keep to myself? Really?

And�AAAAAAAND, he�s written at least 3 poems about me. That�s not really not blogging about me, is it? Plus, I think he�s getting over me..

At least one would believe so when he says stuff like�

�And I believe it is finally time for me to tell you where to go. To �reassure� you that I no longer ever want to be with you.�

But this is interesting what he says in regards to me calling him out on the blog�

I'm on that blog because he's fucking funny.
AND because most of his readers are women.
I'm on (another one of my friend)'s blog too. Because he's fucking funny a la Dennis Miller.
AND because most of his readers are women.
AND the same day I left a comment on his blog, I got several emails from women.
Because men use humor to get laid.
Men just want to fuck women.

Essentially, he�s mad at me because I stepped on his game. Can you believe that? After telling me how much it is that he loves me and can�t get over me,
AND he�s on the prowl.
AND he�s cruising,
AND he�s mad at me for potentially fucking up possible lays.

Because men just want to fuck women. He�s stuck on this shit. He�s a big fan of the Harry Meeting Sally movie where they talk about it being impossible for men and women to be friends. We had a conversation about it. And I certainly see his point, but he LIVES by this motto. He makes himself pretty by also saying, �I think the female orgasm is the most beautiful thing in the world.� I think he�s read every cosmo back to the first issue to get a great insight as to how women think, and he exploits it. I fell for it all. Hook, line, and sinker�.I think that�s a sports reference of some kind�But, he charmed the pants off of me. But he�s good at it. He�s good at talking. He was really good at telling me what I wanted to hear.

Did I tell him I loved him? Yeah. He said it first, of course. He made it sound so harmless, like it was a really cute thing we could do, and I didn�t know in what context, but I really thought he was going to be part of my life for a really long time. Even if we didn�t stay �together� I figured we would at least be friends, as he would say, �as much as a man and woman can be friends�, but I never figured he would ever find reason to say to me:

�Oh yeah, and if I haven't been a big enough dick to you in this email, I just wanted to finish by saying that you might as well give up being a comedian and just burn away the rest of your wasted life dealing cards.
Because you suck on stage.
Honestly.
I was nice to you because I felt bad for you.
No one is going to be honest with you about this.
And most guys are only nice to you and say you're funny because they want to fuck you.
And most women will say you're funny to be nice you because they feel sorry for you.
But you're not funny.
You're not even all that super funny in person.
Sorry to crush your dreams, but people either got it or they don't.
And you don't.
Patrick is funny.
Davyo is funny.
You?
You're just halfway decent at a blow job and an okay lay.
And that's all you're good for.
Definitely not good for a relationship.
Because your heart is made of ice.
So give up the comedy.
You're not even close to being funny.�

Duh� I KNOW I�m not good for a relationship. 

But, wait, this is my favorite part�

�Besides, you will never make the world laugh enough to make up for the pain you have brought it.�

***&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**
This is a page break�you can either go do whatever it is you need to do today and come back later, or just go get some coffee� and you�ll know where you were� convenient, yes?

So, I told him I loved him, and he really held me to it. Like, he expected me to love him in the nurturing way of a good 20 year relationship just because I said those words. He reminded me in an email that I had said that I was probably going to love him forever. These are words that I didn�t think a second thought about because once I love someone, I do generally love them forever. Again, we�re not �together forever� but I do love them. Again, my bad. I know what *I* meant. I wasn�t clear in saying, �I�ll love you forever, but not like how you think I mean.�

In the Casey blog, I talked about someone saying, �The problem is that there is only one word for love. And Eskimos have lots of words for snow.�

Dude texted me after that blog saying� �Eskimos have different words for snow. But it�s still snow.�
I�ve since learned that 1) �Eskimo� used to be a derogatory term, and some in Canada still consider it so, and 2) they don�t have anymore words for �snow� than English speakers. BUT what this is referring to, is the different lexemes of the many different Eskimo-y dialects.

Here�s my point, though� there�s a snowflake, there is frost, there is fine snow and drifting snow and falling snow, there are blizzards, there is fallen snow on the ground, soft, deep fallen snow on the ground, crust on snow on the ground, snow floating on water, snow blocks, snow banks� Yeah, it�s all snow, but it�s as different as your love for your mother or love for your father or love for your sister or love for a friend or love for a dear, dear, old friend or even the new love you have for a friend that you just met that you found out likes the same comic books you do.

It�s all good, but it�s certainly not the same.

That was a red flag when he told me he loved me. I know better. I fucking know better. But that�s my problem too. I fall in and out of �pretty soft snow� love with head dizzying speed. I�ve gotten �meeting a guy, falling in love, and breaking his heart� streamlined into one romantic weekend.

I just love falling in love. I love finding someone that I have great chemistry with, extra bonus when we have stuff in common! I understand that some really great relationships come from this type of start. I�ve stayed in plenty of relationships that started this way. And I think that�s this point. I stayed in them much, much longer than I needed to. In fact, my friends are proud of me for not staying in this one much longer. 10 years ago, this would have been right up my alley. I would have answered every single email, I would have relented when he begged, I would have had guilt, and I would have held on just a little longer for him to prove his love for me.

That�s what gets me the most about dude�s emails and texts before he blew up. They all just really implied that I didn�t know what was best for me.

�So what if you knew there was more between us besides all of the amazing sex?
But you decided to lie to yourself and think of it as "polluting our relationship" because it was an excuse to stop having sex.
Because it's hard to not have so much mind-blowing sex and not fall in love.
And you were just afraid of falling in love with me, weren't you?�

It�s all like this too. �You�re just afraid. You�re running away. You�re pushing me away because you�re afraid of what this could truly be.�

That�s what drives me nuts about these guys. Not once do they ever consider that I�m not in the market to buy what they�re selling. Fuck, I�m not even in the market to buy! I�m just perusing. I explained this all at the beginning... I wasn�t kidding. No one ever believes what I say at the beginning.

I�m also going to go onto say that I wasn�t wrong at all about this one. No one, no one should ever, ever, ever say the rude and horrible things that he said to me. They didn�t make me sad or bother me or make me angry, but I can still recognize them as rude and horrible. They made me cringe a little� that I would allow someone in my life that had it in them to say those things to ANYONE��so then I immediately forwarded them to my 4 closest friends. Wha? You date me, you date my whole familee.

He�s discussed it with his friends too. He did write that� �I always say, �She's a beautiful person. But we just wanted different things.� And that's fucking it. That's all I say. That's all I will ever say. �

But then a comment on something that he posted did say, �A friend told me, "if you're going full-tilt boogie and you make some offhand remark and she goes Lollapalooza on you, know it's not you, it's her."

That would make me believe that a little more was said�

And *I* went Lollapalooza.
Really?
Interesting.

He goes onto say, �So I'm okay. I'd rather be with someone who won't let me down and go AWOL on me, ya know? And I'd rather be with someone who is more compassionate if I'm sad missing her. And I�d rather be with someone who cares about me enough to want to be with me.
You can love someone with your whole heart but sometimes things don't work out. And I can't take it personally. Because when that happens, after enough crying, I just have to tip my hat and wish her the best because I liked her enough at one point to let her into my heart.
I have to take responsibility for what I did and didn't do and learn from my mistakes.�

He has great words. He often speaks very logically. And then he just does something that makes you step back and go, �why? What the fuck?�

The latest being after I left another comment on that same person�s blog.

A piece of my comment: �My new year's resolution is along the same lines as yours in that I'm going to start... what's it called?.. "getting to know someone" before I let him (or her) into my norty bits. My hoo hoo is making men crazy. I gotta turn the shit off. I wish I was kidding. And, just for fun, the universe has sent me, not one, but TWO men to really test me.�

Two men to test me. The universe sent two men to test me. Think about what that statement says to you. I know what I meant when I read it. My friends that read it told me what they thought it meant when they read it which was exactly what I meant when I wrote it�

But some people�(shaking head)

He emailed me and said: �Also, I unfriended and am no longer subscribed to "(that bloggy person�s)" blog as I just got crushed reading about how the universe brought you two guys to take care of you sexually.
That's just super.
Good for you.�

What the FUCK?!?!?!?! WHERE THE FUCK DOES IT SAY THAT I HAVE TWO GUYS TAKING CARE OF ME SEXUALLY???????

I have two guys to potentially take care of me sexually should I choose to accept, but if you read the first part, you might notice that I�m kinda staying away from those situations.

He needs to learn to shut up and think about shit before it falls out of his head because he�s ridiculous. He goes onto say, �Also, if you could block me, so I can no longer can write you on (that networking site), I'd appreciate it.�

What? Is that my responsibility? Just don�t email me. How hard could that possibly be? Before you hit send, don�t send. X out, man. I�ve done it several times myself.

**********@@@@@@@@@@***********

Yay, page break. Go potty.

It�s taken me about three days to put all these thoughts together which is why they are put together so poorly. I come back with different perspectives. Delete, redo. And I�m not doing much editing to see what doesn�t make sense anymore. My apologies. It�s all very interesting though.

The set of text messages that astound me the most was the night I had to put Chewie down. I turned my phone off because it was still during the time that he was still texting me. He hadn�t been getting any responses from me, I had told him that Chewie was sick, but he persisted�
(I transcribed all of his texts, and I typed the out the way I got them, 160 characters at a time.. I also put time and date and a small description as to my side of it.)

(Oh, and, yeah, I documented ALL this shit. Wouldn�t you? It�s interesting. It�s just that there was SO much shit. 13 pages of texts (but, again, double spaced between the 160 characters) and 37 pages of emails, though there are a couple of emails from or to my friend and a response or two from me, but still, at least 31 of those pages are all him.)

Enjoy!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
December 21, 2008 12:05AM (No contact had been established since last texts. My phone was off because this was the night that we had put Chewie down.)

I don�t think I can be friends with you knowing you�re fooling around with other guys. I have sexual jealousy because I care and want to be with you. I�m

sorry this isn�t what you wanted. Please take care.

December 21, 2008 12:40AM

You are sexually polyamorous because you u don�t feel enough self worth and fear abandonment. Keeping one sexual partner would mean that he could reject you.

So you reject the man when he gets too close. But I don�t know how to help you. No man who really cares and wants to be with you would be okay with you b

eing with other guys. Polyamory can not last. You cannot and should not divide love.

12:47 AM

(I had opened my phone, saw these, and answered, �Hey, yeah�I had to put
Chewie to sleep today, so you deal with anything you need to deal with, I�ll do the same. I really do wish you the best. I hope you find �her�.� And then I turned off my phone, and I�m glad I did�)

Sorry to hear about Chewie. I loved that dog too and would�ve liked to say goodbye. Sorry you couldn�t let me inside your heart to be with you. I thought

you cared but you didn�t show it. Good bye.

12:56AM

I�m sorry about Chewie. I�m sorry for being an ass. I just miss you and I�m going nuts without you. I�m really, really sorry.

1:01AM

I just want to be with you. And because you aren�t choosing to be with me, I�m pushing you away. I really do love you more than anything. I�m sorry

I suck at showing it. And I�m sorry I�ve pushed you away.

1:16AM

So in the spirit of pushing you away, why did you tell me u needed a few days and then leave me hanging for that 1st week (before I got manic)? Didn�t yo

u think that would devastate me?

I�ve been crying nonstop and you are responsible because you told me you were in love with me. But then you make me eat silence. Like now. And I have tea

rs running down my face that would go away if you�d just talk to me. If you�re not a bad person, then do the right thing now. Say something. Anything.

1:19AM

Please. You�re breaking my heart. Please say something.

1:22AM

How does this help either of us? You can�t be happy. And I�m obviously not. If you really have any love in your heart for me, the please say anything.

1:25AM

Okay. I�m going to stop texting so you don�t call the authorities on me. I guess this is the last communication we�ll ever have. I just can�t believe how

cruel and cold you can be. Goodbye.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
They astound me every time I read them. Line by line they are just so wrong on so many levels.

He has sexual jealousy because he cares? Does that make sense? Is jealousy a noble emotion all of a sudden? I�ve gone to great lengths to deal with my own green-eyed monster, and I know for certain that �caring� wasn�t the motivation. Possession, yes, but hardly �caring�.

And where the FUCK did this all come from? I hadn�t texted him at all. I had a little vomity dog. Someone else�s feelings were the last on my list.

I�m polyamorous because I like to have sex with people. Several people. Sometimes at once. Don�t get me wrong, I do certainly have commitment issues, but that�s with everything, that�s not just people. I�ve never owned a house either, and, frankly, I really don�t see what the big deal is about it anyway. Even at work I insist that I be put on different games everyday. I understand that many people can�t accept my non-committalness. I�m just not one of those people. I also like how �No man who really cares for you would put up with that�� What about the several men that are polyamoring me? Heh� ok, that was just a dig� But really, �you cannot and should not divide love�? I don�t jive with that at ALL. Love is indivisible�with liberty and justice for all. Just because I love YOU doesn�t mean I cannot also love him or her. Even if we took his �it�s still snow�, then you�re still blanketing love and if I love my lover and my mom, wouldn�t that still be �love�� and certainly you can love your mom AND someone else. And if not your mom, some other person like that�but letting that go, you�re telling me that I cannot love more than one person romantically? Are you fucking kidding me? Why the fuck do you think cheating is so rampant? In my opinion, SPECIFICALLY because it is absolutely possible and constantly happening, but we aren�t taught how to deal with it properly. I�m telling you, my man harem was a good and just thing. If we all had harems, this world would be a better place. Be safe, of course�until we can get rid of the hiv and all that other junk.

Moving on to his response to Chewie. This really bothered me. �I loved that dog. I wish I had a chance to say goodbye.� What the eff? He met my dog, but he didn�t love my dog. *I* loved my dog. I cleaned up his puke during his last days. We made out for hours on end (erm, before the puke, of course). I took care of him through (at least) 4 surgeries. Who the fuck is he exactly wishing he had a chance to say goodbye to my dog? Is that supposed to be comforting to me? Even my closest friends who also had to take care of Chewie at times didn�t say anything like that. But no matter what sorrow one is going through, he really needs to find a way to make it about him.

And then in the SAME text �too bad you couldn�t let me into your heart�� What the hell?!? Ok, ok, he goes onto apologize for it, but why wouldn�t that have hit a filter on the way out? And why couldn�t he have just stopped? Like, why did he have to get EVEN MORE ridiculous at 1:16? �Hey, yeah, sorry about your dog..but back to me... I�m upset and it ALL YOUR FAULT!!!� Waaaaaah. I don�t mean to be mean about this, but I just felt that it was the lowest of the low.

�You can�t be happy. And I�m obviously not. If you really have any love in your heart for me, the please say anything.�

Yeah, no shit I can�t be happy�my DOG is DEAD!!! And, of course, I have love in my heart, but it�s in MOURNING RIGHT NOW!!!!!! Also, note how he, again, let�s me know how I can or cannot be feeling�

But my favorite drama queen-y part was
�If you�re not a bad person, then do the right thing now. Say something. Anything.�

Really? �Please, PLEASE prove to me that I control you, you should do this for me�or it will obviously prove that you ARE a bad person..� Again, I�m really glad I didn�t have my phone on, but even if I did, he would have gotten the same responses. I don�t respond well to emotional hostage situations, and I don�t negotiate with terrorists.

He does go onto say�

2:01AM

Hey, I�ve sorta been drinking and don�t drink�So please ignore all the shit I just texted u. I�m sorry nutmeg. Good night.

So, let this be a lesson�don�t drink and text�

************Fuck this thing is long**************

What�s next on the agenda? I think the rest will just be some random bits here and there, and I�m going to finally finish this off�

�I do not believe you actually think I am insane.�

I really shouldn�t put this one in here at all, now I�m just being rude, but I�m feeling petty at this particular moment� (again, actually FOUR days this fucking blog has been taking up all of my time�) ( I guess 5 days IS a long time.)

But� Um� yeah, actually�maybe a little. Not generally, but this situation really crazed him.

Like when he texted�

�I just miss you and I�m going nuts without you. I�m really, really sorry.�

I think when he can accept that sometimes he�s bat shit insane, he�ll be able to deal with things better. That�s how things worked out for me. I realized that sometimes I�m (gasp!) a little unreasonable. It�s just a matter of noticing that you�re doing it when you�re doing it. Even the love of his life (oh, no, not me, this girl that was before me�yeah, THAT love his life...) said to him, �I don't think you are a Sith, they mean to be evil... you don't know you're doing it when you are doing it.. you are more of an Anakin Skywalker... you just don't know what you are really doing until it's over.�

It�s comforting to know that he does see and recognize that he may not have behaved appropriately. That�s a really good step. But we all have to agree, Anakin Skywalker also went bat shit insane, and even he came to terms with it by the end.

Now, also interesting to note� well, for one, that I still haven�t stopped going to his page, but I�ve learned a lot about him from doing so. For one, he just needs someone to be attached to. The love of his life that I spoke of above, she seems really nice. Probably too nice. I think if she lived here she wouldn�t have given him the support that she did during this time. A few comments to him, and then he was immediately drawing pictures of her. Oh, after her Anakin comment, he put a lot of pictures of Anakin on his site. Then one day he put one of Anakin and Padme hugging. And then in a comment to something, he called her Padme. He just needs that closeness, and he forces it on other people. He has that Anakin quote on his main page, and for a couple of days he credited it to �The love of my life, future senator (her name).� And then it was credited to �some crazy chick I know� and her picture had been taken off the �People I�d like to meet� part. It�s not that he hasn�t met these people, it�s just that he would like to meet them again. It�s cute. Chewie and I used to be on there. Anyway, my guess is that she told him to back off a little bit. I doubt he knows why.

But he�s still cruising. The �People I�d like to meet� section does have some new faces. He�s met several more girls online, probably thanks to my network site friends� blogs. And that fascinates me too. I mean, he did this WHILE he was pissed at me. He never stops swingin�, bless his heart. I think it�s kinda his addiction too. Meeting people, charming them not necessarily into bed, but at least into a personal relationship, so that he can charm them into bed because men want to fuck women and will completely throw away a friendship to do so. (Like a lot of this entry, those are all his words.)

It�s interesting to go through his friends�the males are generally famous people and so forth, the women aren�t all necessarily bodacious babes like some men like to post as their friends (though there are a few)�instead, generally, they�re everyday women, generally good looking every day women 20-35, a SPRINKLE of older ones, but aaalll single (or divorced, same thing.) I think that�s part of his cruising ritual. Search for single women in the age range, mostly in Vegas, but other parts of this planet too, leave them comments until one of them starts leaving comments back. And then ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK!!!

I�ve used a similar formula. It works. Tried and true. But, moderation, I mean, damn.

�But secretly, you like that attention.
Because you're fucked up in the head.�

Oh, I haven�t gotten to that quote yet� It�s about 6 stories down�
*************** ******

It�s awesome to watch his top friends section. It changes all the time. You know who�s been the nicest to him in the last 24 hours. Right now it is a little ambiguous, he has �Zen� as his number one friend. He�s trying to find peace. This whole thing and driving the love of his life away a little too� it�s a really tough time for him. I recognize that. I think he�s gonna make it out though. He has the tools. He just has to figure out how to use them. That�s how I am with tools too. I know what they are, I just don�t have the practice to use them�But, I�m not being nice to him right now� ONTO THE PETTINESS!!!!

Though, again, since men can�t be friends with women and men just want to fuck women, I�m not too sure his intentions are honorable. I can prove it, wanna see? I didn�t find this until later�

December 9th was the day that I told him I needed some time and was the beginning of the �5 days of silence� BEFORE I told him we shouldn�t have sex anymore. On December 11th, he left the following comment on a woman�s site:

Why thank you. :)
I'm also very witty too.
...and a good kisser.
...and I'm really really good at (CENSORED).

I know when I�m in a relationship and totally in love with that person, I ALWAYS go to other people�s sites and make sure they know that I�m good at (CENSORED)ing. That�s what people in love do.

Not to mention one of his most recent quotes on his site� "If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically." � Jean-Paul Sartre"

***** ***** **** *****

His last few emails to me (after the Casey post) were from a psychological standpoint. (He�s in school for it, did I tell you? Oh, yes, he�s in school for psychology and he�s 35 years old. He�s 35 years old. He�s THIRTY the fuck FIVE years old and acting like this.) Anyway, his emails are very much him projecting stuff onto me�He sent me a link to an article about how abused children identify with the aggressor and go onto abuse people themselves. Cute, yes? He�s found me to be abusive towards him. To recap, I told him I wasn�t going to have sex with him anymore, and then after the way he reacted to that, I decided not speaking to him would be a better option. I can understand his ego being bruised from me �rejecting him�, but, really, any harm that came to his psyche after that was truly self inflicted. I did email him once to try to get things right between us, but he doesn�t recognize that he acted poorly and instead finds ways of saying, �Hey, I took a class in this, and I think it could really help you.�

***** ***** *****
Ok, I wrote that part, like 10 hours ago� so I asked myself why this bothered me so much. And I realized it was because I didn�t ask him, did I? I didn�t ask him for help, but he�s forcing it on me. And what makes it SO much worse� he ends the email with�
�But I will leave you alone. I promise.
I just th ought all this might be helpful for you to think about.�

So� as I know he�s reading this� I�m gonna let him know that as I read it, I thought about HOW FAR OFF BASE he is on me. Sure, MAAAAAAAAAAYBE some of the stuff we talked about applied, but this identification with the aggressor part� TOTALLY off on that one.. If one would remember, I have already been to a lot of therapy, I�ve already broken through a LOT of that. If one knew my 5 years ago, one would understand how very little one knows about me now.

**********
I believe that when I talk, I talk forEVER. I don�t mean I incessantly talk. I mean that when I say something, I consider if it�s something I would say tomorrow too. I�m VERY sensitive about that. I think everyone should be. So when he said, �Whatever happens�I�m always going to love you like gangbusters. �Darn you for being so goddamn loveable,� I never seriously thought he would call me not funny� (godDAMMIT!!! Not FUNNY?!?!?!) What the fuck does he think �always� means? What the fuck does he think �LOVE� means???

****** *******

Speaking of incessantly talking� My friend, who was gracious enough to let me force him upon her, hung out with him after telling him we�re not having sex anymore, and us trying to be friendly, or something�. He started to talk about me, she managed to wedge in, �Let�s go to WalMart�� and could not manage to squeeze in another. Single. Word. until they were on their way back FROM WalMart.

*** ***** ***** ***
People are very telling when you know what to look for�

�December 14, 2008 12:04PM

I miss you Chris and as far as I know you still are madly in love with me and we�re still monogamously dating. Did you still need more time to think thin

gs over? I�ll wait as long as you need, but a time frame would be helpful.�

This was the very end of the 5 days. I had posted a status update that implied that I wasn�t going to get in touch with him until after my days off� Firstly, I like how he is reminding me that I�m madly in love with him. Note the use of his word �monogamously�. Serious, serious trust issues. I believe his head was VERY insistent that I was sleeping with someone else. That�s why 5 days took so long for him. That bothered me too. I never gave him any reason to not trust me. Sure, I have a whorish background, and I�m still incredibly cute and can get most any man I want, worse even still is that I know it�but when I say I�m with you�I�m w�ichu. (�My Blue Heaven�, I think.)

*** ***** ***

OH, and why the fuck would he think I cared about this??
�I�d marry you if you believed in it.�

Do you know what that means to me?
Do�you�know�me????

If that was supposed to impress me because I know what marriage means to you, I think it backfired a little.
******* ******* *****
Speaking of marriage�

�I feel so bad for (ex-husband), for you wasting 5 years of his life. And the poor sucker still loves you because he hasn't moved on.
But secretly, you like that attention.
Because you're fucked up in the head.
And you're still fucking up his life because he can't move on because you still let him hang on to hope that you'll come back to him.
I don't want to ever be a doormat like (ex-husband).�

Ex-husband, Rally Edition, appreciates the concern, but wants everyone to be assured that one night with me is fine, two nights, MAYBE, but after that I �DRIVE HIM FUCKING CRAZYYY!!!�

And he me too�
****** **** **
�The theory is, despite your false bravado, you rally don�t love yourself enough to maintain a meaningful long term relationship. ��

It�s not a false bravado. I really do think I�m awesome. I USED to spout the false bravado, so I really do know the difference.

I can�t maintain a long term relationship because I don�t think I�m good enough because� this is actually really funny� because I don�t cook and clean. Why would a guy want to stay with someone who doesn�t cook and clean? That�s just silly. But I�m too lazy and unmotivated to get to doing it�and actually�it pisses me off a lot. Another reason why I�m seriously considering a lesbian relationship�some of them chicks LOVE to clean. (fingers crossed for Saturday.) (Did I just give something away about the next journal entry?)

As I�ve mentioned, I�ve spent WAY too much time on this entry. It was good to help me consider every one of my actions (of which there were few�I feel very Tai-Chi�ish). I�m serious when I say I haven�t covered HALF of it� He spent more time yelling, whining, begging at me than we spent on our whole �relationship�. It�s wild. There might have been one base that I didn�t cover, and I might bring it up in a later entry if it�s a slow news week, but I�m hoping not.

He�s going to want to make an answer statement because, as, again, I can prove, he can�t stand to not have the last word (I think that was the base that I didn�t cover), so this is to him� I am going to continue to not answer anything from you. No one except the people that you friended who read this know you, so don�t act like I�m revealing something about you.

Oh, I�ve wanted to relay this to you�One of my red flags on a man is when they say �I love women��they usually mean �I love TO FUCK women�� This confused me the most about you� I just thought you would disprove my theory. You just didn�t seem like the type. I thought you really did respect women. You almost made a believer out of me. But as I was perusing your latest blog entry, and I was noticing what you love about women� the sounds they make, delicate curves, how cute they are, how sweet they smell, look of utter bliss when they orgasm because you always, Always, ALWAYS have to mention how the female orgasm is the most beautiful thing in the world, AND you even mention it earlier in the entry� not too much about compassion about the trials and tribulations� oh, something about how a woman�s tears makes you want to �change the world just so she doesn�t hurt anymore�� that�s real� women totally eat this shit up too�
Just like we eat up stuff like�
�You transcend cute. And �sexy� and �beautiful� are clich�s. You�re breathtakingly magnificent. You�re devilishly delicious. You�re strikingly gorgeous. Y

ou�re all the stars in the sky combined, bursting in a supernova of hot wet lust and passion and desire�with a nutmegy taste. �

He�s got a MILLION of them folks� Oh.. and that�s also what his most recent blog talks about�
�Like several ex-girlfriends have told me, �How can I believe that you think I�m beautiful Cody when you think so many other women are beautiful too?��

It�s not JUST that you think other women are beautiful�but you told me�

�You�re the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I know you have flaws, but you�re perfect to me. I don�t want anyone else.�

The MOST? You�ve said it once�you�re going to say it again� if you haven�t already� be aware� watch your words. Make them count.

As you say, �As a former girlfriend recently told me, �You love too easily��.. it�s not that you �love� too easily, per se� you give too easily. You give everything because you try too hard. Someone said that to me once. A lot of thing made a lot more sense when I finally understood what she was talking about.

And this�
�I think part of True Love really is forgiveness and the whole �never having to say you�re sorry� thing.�

Do you hear you?

And don�t forget this�
�And I love you with all my heart and I�m sorry.

You showed me in the way you looked in my eyes and touched my heart and set fire to my soul� I will respect whichever way you choose to go��

But will you?

Ok, I�m done for now�

�But I will leave you alone. I promise.
I just th ought all this might be helpful for you to think about.
It is my hope in life to help heal people, and hopefully also help myself heal along the way.�

Someone once said�

�We should accept no one's definition of our life and define ourselves. And when people judge us, they're really just judging and defining themselves.
We are all capable of great things and we are all beautiful.
Love should have no conditions upon it and the ideal kind of Love should be to be capable of accepting and loving a person as they are since the important thing is not the object of love, but the emotion itself. Because when we love people, it's a gift that we give ourselves.�
-A certain crazy dude I once knew� January, 2009

But, to end on a more famous quote,
�There are always flowers for those who want to see them.�
-Henry Matisse
�because I�m snatchy like that�
P.S. The black t-shirt and underwear are my trophies. ;)

�You're a really good person.
You just don't always do very good things.�

You said it, brother.

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