2007-07-19 ~ 1:53 p.m.

Hi, My Name Is Chris, And I'm A Cupake-A-Holic

I feel that today I will start writing, and things will come up for me to write because there's been a tons going on. I remember all of these things while I am out and about and I sit here and they leave me.

Oh! it was my two of my favorite people's birthday yesterday and the day before. I hung out with them yesterday since I had to work tuesday night. We went for sushi and sake which is always good. And for dessert, I had bought cupcakes from a wonderful cupcake place nearby. I think it's better than Sprinkles. I think it's better than Sprinkles because I have never had Sprinkles, but I will soon because, as with everything, one will set down in Vegas soon enough. Anyway, I set the cupcakes on a three tier cupcake holder that I bought there. And it was wonderful. Red velvet, strawberry, rootbeer, smores, ghirardelli chocolate, one with coconut and cookie bits, even a pupcake for the doggies. DEEE lishis. (Yes, even the doggie one, I had a taste while I was cutting it up, what?)

I had bought my friends an hour and a half massage and wrote the expiration dates of the gift certificates REALLY big on the envelope because I'm a real bitch who can't let things go. Two years ago or so I had bought them the same thing, and when they had gotten around to thinking about going, the certificates were expired. (*I* have no idea how one would let a gift certificate for a massage expire. I would be on the phone with the place about 2 seconds after I got the certificate, but I guess that's why they are not me.) But then, the next year after talking about a massage I had gotten, one of them said (forgetting about the failed gift attempt), "that sounds great. You should get us massages. " To which I said, "I DIIIID!"
And the main reason I bring this up is because I know that one of them reads this, and I'm reminding him right now to go call the place. Yes, the constant nagging really is horrible, and I do it to all my friends, not just the really close ones. (See, Pat? Don't you feel better? You will after a massage! :D )

I went to Gamblers Anonymous the other day. I went "with a friend for support". Heh. Actually I did go with a friend for support. She has accepted that gambling has taken over her life. Gambling had taken over my life at one point. But I'm feeling much better now. However, I've never been through a 12 step program, and it's certainly not because I've never needed to.

I didn't care for the meeting. It just doesn't seem right. There are things that make it seem set up for failure. Like saying "Hi, I'm Chris, and I'm a compulsive gambler." I mean, if you've read The Secret, you know that saying "Hi, I'm a compulsive gambler" lets the universe know that you want compulsive gambling in your life.

I mean, I get that you have to admit what you are. I get that. I do. But isn't going to the meeting admitting that you're a compulsive gambler, and couldn't we instead say, "Hi, I'm Chris, and I'm thankful for my growing savings account"?

I also didn't care for the meeting because we didn't actually talk about the steps. At the beginning, someone read out loud from the little handbook that they give you. Someone reads the origin of Gambler's Anonymous, someone else reads the 12 steps, another person reads some other thing that I can't remember right now, and then someone else reads the yes or no questions identifying if one is a problem gambler.

Then everyone shares. You cannot interrupt the person sharing, which is nice, but then there is no feedback for what they have shared. I've been to group therapy, and this wasn't it. The person running the show wasn't a therapist, he had been in GA for 5 years. So, what I'm saying is that, it's just a bunch of people going in telling the other people how hard it is for them, 10 minute smoke break, more of people telling them how hard it is not to gamble, get the new people to tell what finally happened to get them in there, announcements of pot lucks later in the month, and then we leave.

There is no real therapy. The only therapy is that you're in a room of people who had also lost control of their lives and you just check up on each other. I don't know, I guess it has worked for some people, but it just seems like there's got to be a better way.

There is a huge percentage of people who come back to GA. (As in stop going and then lose control again and have to come back.) I think they said the number is 70% or something like that. I know another statistic concerning GA. People who have gone back to GA a second time have the highest rate of suicide.

At the beginning, I didn't say that I was just a guest because I didn't know that was an option, so I just went in full fledged, got my Welcome keychain, booklets, and everything. But when it came my turn to speak, I said that I was here because a friend had called me after she had a bad gambling night, and I was here to support her. One lady didn't seem to like me, and during her speaking time, she spoke generally of "you can come in here and nod your head, (I was nodding at the time) at what people are saying and you can say you're here for other people, but these people aren't here for you, they are here for themselves."
Ooooooookay.

Anyway, to really show my support for my friend, I have decided not to gamble while I'm in GA. I mean, I think that's the point.

Did I mention my friend broke up with his boyfriend? It makes me super duper happy!!! It wasn't the healthiest of relationships, but there are things that you just have to go through. Sure, at the end you're all, "Fuck, why did I do that to myself?" but sometimes you need a reminder of how you're not going to let people treat you ever, ever again. I think about the boy that I was with that made me feel that way. To this day, I still go, "FUUUUUUUCK!!!!" That was when I really should have gone to GA...and NA... maybe AA too just to round it out.

This week, I am no closer to becoming a comedienne.

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