2005-04-23 ~ 12:04 p.m.

Jim Gaffigan Dot Com

I am really serious about getting this job as a comedian. I figured the best way to do it is to start writing letters since good, convincing letters are part of my super-powers.

I wrote the following letter to Jim Gaffigan. If you have not heard of Jim Gaffigan then, well, you suck. He's a really funny guy, and you really should buy his CDs or borrow my iPod for a couple of hours...(and trust me, that is NOT happening.)

Anyway, here's the letter:

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Subject: Mr. Jim....(read me! I am funny!) (SAFE to open!!)

Dear Mr. or Mrs. JimGaffigandotcom:
or
CURRENT RESIDENT:

I have become interested in becoming the opening act for one of your shows. Since the ad could not be found in any of the newspapers I have found (and I have looked!!!) I decided to just ask the source.

If you're too busy to reply to this message, I would appreciate if you could forward it to the nearest "source" to be answered.

I would also like to say (so that I can avoid any stalking charges that may be brought up against me) that I will continue to send emails until one is answered. You can make this easy or hard, it's really your decision.

I know you might be thinking, "Ok, you want to open for me, what kind of stand up experience do you have?"

If you ask me, it's not what kind of "stand up" experience do you have, it's what kind of LIFE! experience do you have. And, believe me, sir (or madame) I have had plenty of experience.

In my growing years, (I'm a mature 29) I have found that I am not actually funny, but funny things happen around me. Just the other day, I came to the realization that I am actually a black woman. Imagine my surprise!!! I have lived my life as a cute, American grown asian that looks nothing like asian because her dad is Irish American woman, and after (almost!) 29 years of life, I realize that I'm actually Black.

So, you see, I think having me on your team would be an asset-not only would you get the white crowd that you are used to, but I'm pretty sure that I can convince a few of my "sisters" to show up-as long as you don't mind that a lot of my "sisters" are actually "gay men". I've trained them to not fuck anyone in the ass while they are out in public (it did take a lot of training for BlueToast... cause he's a bad boy.... a baaaaaad boy... yes him is... he's such a good boy most of the time, isn't he? Yes he is... my baby little BlueToast gay boy...)

Anywho, (isn't that what all us "hoosiers" say, "Anywho" LOL!) I hope you can find some time out of your "SHedule" to answer me back. I'm super really cool, and I'm totally funny. On the most part, everyone who meets me thinks I'm really funny, unless I don't want them to, and I really think you should give me a chance.

It would be stupid not to.

If you say no, I am going to take my act to Robin Williams, and I would think that if Robin Williams took me under his wing and you didn't, well, you would look like a total asshole and Paris Hilton would totally never even put you on her sidekick (and, who are we kidding? She puts some real shitheads on her sidekick.) So you may as well sign your comedic death warrant if you don't take me under your wing and let me live in your Caribbean cabana where you leave me alone and let me smoke all the marijuana I want. I'm just saying, I can be turned down by bigger comedians than you.

Oh, but it's not that I don't think you're cool. I think you are absolutely hilarious. Your CD's are totally in my 40 gig iPod. (iGod, I love those!) (LOL!) and I listen to them ALL the time. You are one of the comics that have honed my sense of humor. (Not that it's all much of an honor, I mean, I have Britney Spears on my iPod also, but that's totally not the point because I really do listen to you more than I do to her. I find that I like her videos more.)

Anyway, I would love to meet you and your wife, unless you got a divorce, which you never find out about hollywood divorces if they're not listed in the "In The News" section of Rolling Stone since the star may not be that big....but if you are divorced, I'm just saying that I'm only a document away from being divorced, (if you know what I mean.... not that I don't love my husband because I really do, but I don't have anything of his on my iPod.) If you're not divorced, well, then, the offer still stands because I'd bet your wife is hot!!

But I digress.

Right now, I'm just looking for a job that will get me to the caribbean so that I can smoke marijuana. If you can give this to me, that would be great, if not, I'll call RW.

Also, if you do decide to take me under your wing, don't call me and say, "Oh, sure, we'll fly you to Idaho to do a gig for $50....hotel included...BYOB!!"

I'm not that fucking cheap. You gotta pay me.

Currently, I am a casino dealer at the Brand New Resort/Hotel/Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, the Wynn casino. I make a lot of money. (I deal most of the games except for craps. I can't even figure out that game... I know they use dice!) Right now, I work nights, so don't call me on a work night if you don't have the dubs to pay for me. (I'm off Wednesday and Thursday, though, feel free to call anytime, I would LOVE to talk to you, and that's saying a lot because I hate phones.) My cell phone is usually turned off until I wake up or until I remember that I had turned it off the night before (which is usually around 8 or 9 at night), so leave a voice mail if I don't answer.

So, that's what I'm saying, I would love to open anywhere for you as long as it's a thursday or friday or if I know for sure that I'll make $1000+ per night. If that's too much for you to pay me, then, again, wait until a thursday or friday, or wait until you're big enough to pay your opener $1000 for a half an hour. (I will work up to 8 hours if you would like, just give me 2 hours notice so that I can call in to work.)

Thank you so much for your time. I know that a lot of comedians are busy right now because I've been downloading as many comedy albums as I can, and most of them are really fucking shitty (except for yours!) so I can imagine the amount of work these comedians are doing to bring funny stuff back into the entertainment industry. So, this is my solution to you; you can take time off your own comedy act just by hiring me so that I can be funny while you rest. If you want to bring me on while you do intermissions for your show, I can do that.

You know my time and pay schedule, and I ask, if nothing else, at least keep that in your pocket in case you need me in a pinch. I work cheap if I have the time! I'll put all the pertinent info at the bottom of my email so that you can just print it, cut it out, and put it somewhere safe, (wallet, ass, etc.).

Again, thank you for your time. (Sorry I got long"writed"!) :)

-Mrs K.
aka
FIzgig.

I have Wednesday and Thursday off.
Fri-Tue I work 8pm to 4am.
(I don't know what my hours will be the next few weeks because the casino is just opening and there will be MAD celebrities and high rollers, so I might be doing a LOT of overtime...so if you ask me to do something on a worknight, I'll have to ask for $1500 for a half hour because the dealers are going to be making a LOT of money, so I just need to know that if I get fired, I'll be able to pay my bills, know what I'm sayin'?)

Thanks again!

***********************

Then I realized that I had forgotten to tell him something...

*********************
Subject: (sorry... me again! Your opening act!!!)

I forgot to say, if you do decide to call and leave a message, I'll get back to you as SOON as I get the message!!! Sometimes that's at 3 in the morning, so if you don't want that, tell me on the voicemail to let me know what number I should call and what time.

K, thanks!!!

-FizGig

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Then I did this thing and realized my first email was incorrect... so I sent this....

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Subject: Me again AGAIN!! HAHA, I'm such an idiot!!

I was re-reading my first letter and I made it sound like my dad was an Irish American woman, and he wasn't... he was totally a man... it is me that's the woman that doesn't look asian because my dad is Irish American... I should have used quotes, I'm so silly!! HAHA!!!

Also...in the earlier text of the message I say I have thursday and friday off.......but that's not right because my days off USED to be thursday and friday when I worked at MGM, but they're not now... I mean, it's ok because at the bottom of the email I put that my days off were wednesday and thursday... so that's right, you don't have to scribble it out in pen and write the right days in... Thank God, right?! (wow, that's a lot of rights, right?!! Left!! LOL!!!)

Ok.. I'll leave you alone, for now.
TTYL!!

-FG

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I'm feeling really good about it. I mean, he'd be stupid not to hire me, right?

Anyway, if you would like to get to know who Jim Gaffigan of JIM GAFFIGAN DOT COM (opens in new window) is, click <--- there.

He's really cool. He talks about food a lot, and I love food too! I wonder if he's secretly my soulmate! Cause, check it out... he's from indiana, I'm originally from indiana, he wears glasses, and I wear contacts because I'm totally BLIND!, he used to be a waiter and I'm a casino dealer, he was raised Catholic and has all but denounced the religion, I was raised Catholic (even though I didn't know it,) and I think I'm the messiah!

Life is totally on track right now. It really feels good to be alive.

I love you guys.

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