2003-03-13 ~ 2:04 p.m.

Mosaic

Ok, quasi-serious entry.

I'm at a wall again. I have no idea what the hell I want to do. I had a breakdown the other night, further confusing Boyfriend, Rally Edition. So now, not only have I made myself feel bad, but I think I made him feel a little bad as well. And that just sucks.

So now he's concerned that I'm not "in it all the way," which is obviously just silly because he's the best thing that has EVER happened to me. I just get queasy inside and wonder if I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him.

Yep... I'm back to "that" again. It's just something that's really hard to let go of. I just don't feel like a good woman. I don't cook, I hardly clean. And that just doesn't add up to good woman. I just don't understand "straightening up." It is a concept that has eluded me all my life. I don't get it.

Wow. When I write it all out like that, it just sounds damn silly. Especially since it's about the fifth time I've written it out. I guess that's a plus, each time I have a breakdown about it, the time I mull over it decreases.

And besides, (smacking my ass) I'm hot in bed.

OH! Speaking of smacking my ass, I've been going to the gym. Not that I particularly like going to the gym, but I have to admit less smooshiness since I've been going. OOH OOH!! I was on the treadmill last night (erm, that's "last night" in my bubble. Folks as yourself would probably call it "this morning.) and I jogged for 6 minutes of my usual 30 minutes on the treadmill. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but I don't jog. Like, I don't jog to the point that when my ex-fiance (that would be Roommate, Rally Edition) reads this, he'll just laaaugh and laugh and laugh. But it's TRUE! I did jog.

And I think I've finally understood the secret to my great skin. (Hundreds of thousands of asians can't be wrong.) Anyway, I blush really easily which PISSES me off, and also, when I expend any amount of energy, my face turns red. Whole bunch of red. After my jogging exploits today, I stopped at the store on my way home and the guy asked if I had been getting a lot of sun lately. (I don't even know what a "sun" is.) Anywho... so I think that's it. A lot of blood gets to my face. Maybe my blood vessels are wider or something there, so it brings in fresh blood and takes away usual face toxins. I never had much of a problem with acne as a teenager, and I haven't worn base since I realized I didn't need to. A little thing of loose powder lasts me about two years. Yeah, I know this doesn't excite any of you, but it's something that I think about since at least one asian everyday says, "wow, your skin is so nice." It just gets weird.

I've realized that all my character flaws extend from fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being laughed at... just a plain fear of being wrong. I can't help it and I can't stand it. I can't stand being wrong or laughed at most of all. My family was always very quick to laugh at me. That's why I became funny. I'd rather people laugh at me because of something I purposely say than laugh at me because I'm wrong or an idiot. What sucks the most is that I have no winning spirit. No sense of "competitive edge." Probably why I break down every now and then. I figure either someone is going to be a much better woman than I and snatch Boyfriend, Rally Edition away. Or that he'll realize I am not such a great catch and leave me. Fear of rejection. Yes, that's it. (sigh)

Plus, I finally discovered Ebay a couple of weeks ago. Evil. EVEEEL! What was worse was that I was drunk when I discovered it. Hey, if anyone needs any uncut rubies, emeralds or sapphires, let me know.

I'm hungry.

OH, hey, speaking of hungry, I've started eating meatless burgers. They are actually pretty good. Gardenburger is ok, except they don't come individually wrapped. Boca burger (another brand) has a better taste, individually wrapped, just a little more sodium than the Gardenburger. Boca also has sausages. The bratwurse is ok, but the Italian sausage is seriously decent. 4 grams of fat, 12 grams of protein. I am a meat eater of the highest order, but these really have been helping me lose weight along with that gym thingy. 3 pounds in the past few weeks. Yeah, not really that much but consider two things: that is the healthier way to lose it, and when you think about it, 1 pound is a bunch. That's how much meat you brown in a skillet for a Hamburger Helper meal.

I'm about 5 pounds from being the weight I was at when I was on ecstacy all the time. So, it will be nice to actually enjoy weight loss. Not that I didn't enjoy it then, it just cost a whole lot more financially, emotionally, and physically.

Alright.. I'm going to go celebrate my future father-in-law's birthday.

Cheers.

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