2002-05-29 ~ 7:44 a.m.

The Keeper...Rally Edition

So.... I've had this new boyfriend guy thingy. And (shrug) I'm not sure how to handle it.

He reads this sometimes. I just don't think he'll bring this one up. Not that he's non-confrontational.........but yeah.....kinda...at least concerning this subject.

He has no idea what to do with me....and adversely, I have no idea what to do with him.

He's a really great guy. He's the greatest guy that I have dated for at least 8 years. And, 8 years would take me back to my high school sweetheart, which almost doesn't count because NO ONE can compare to your high school sweetheart. (in most cases, p.o. boxes and peurto rico excluded.) Even my high school sweetheart, him NOW, can't compare to this guy.

I'm a complete retard around him. Not just "Little Retarded Girl" which my roommate ("We're not together") refers to me as. I mean...... complete retardation. I can't speak. I can't carry on an intelligent conversation. I think sometimes, I lose the ability to walk on my own.

And it sucks.

The only thing keeping me alive now is my ability to entertain others and carry on intelligent conversation.

It's like this. My friends will say "If he doesn't want to keep you than he wasn't worth it in the first place."

But THAT'S THE THING!!! He *is* worth it. He just doesn't realize that his present girlfriend isn't part of the Opportunity Village.

This is very much what spawned the god-awful poem a couple of entries ago.......which, again, would only lead someone to believe that his girlfriend needs help with simple arithmetic.

I was actually very good at simple arithmetic.

NOT THE POINT!

The point is....is that we're from very different worlds. He's from a nuclear family, and I'm from a single mother home. It doesn't SOUND very different if you were from said nuclear family. It makes a world of difference when you're actually from the "other side of the tracks."

"DS" is screaming loud and clear that I don't deserve him or anyone like him. I've even caught myself saying things to him to push him away.....but I know better. I fucking KNOW better.

There's no reason that it can't work. He thinks that it would be him trying to change me. (Like the "outdoorsy stuff" or the "waking up before 6PM" stuff.) I don't think he understands that it's not really a matter of him changin me. Me doing and liking that stuff. (Ok, yeah, so I wrote about a bad hiking experience, bugger off.) But I was raised in a household where my mother worked all kinds of hours to make ends meet. Where vacation at one time was us going to Atlantic City and me spending all that time in a video arcade. (I thank every god in the universe and beyond that it was "safe" in those days.") So, I just never really did that kind of stuff.

I've had to deal with things at the age of 5 that he hasn't yet had to deal with at the age of 29.

In some ways, I think I'm more appreciative because of it. "DS" just tells me that I'm not worthy.

Screw that.

I'm going to do everything I can to keep him.

RETARDATION BE DAMNED!! Pushing away BE DAMNED!!! (Bad) HIKING BE DAMNED!!!

and why?? WHY??? Because he's done more for me just out of common courtesy than I have EVER gotten from a boyfriend. And that's just a little bit of it. *I* would be stupid not to fight for him.

He actually puts up a fight for the check, dammit. Though (polishing nails on chest) I *AM* much better at it than he is.

I don't know how far this whole relationship will go if it continues as it is now, but I fancy that it could continue for a ridiculous amount of time in a deliriously happy state if we both work at it.

(sigh) Thank God he's a breast man.

{ previous ~ next }