2009-08-25 ~ 3:18 p.m.

Speaking Of Which, *I*'m Who

Hello again! I�ve missed you too.

I regret to say that I�ve been sleeping with a married man. I know.. I know. I KNOW! (sigh) I�m not proud of it. I try to leave him at least once a week. I�m VERY serious each time. It�s like he dabbles in the dark arts. I can�t freakin� stay away from him. I hate everything about him. I hate his religion, I hate his politics, but goddammit, that man can make me laugh. And, you may be familiar with how difficult it is to make me laugh. I just don�t find most people funny. It�s just very obvious where their �jokes� are going, and the laugh reflex relies largely on the surprise factor. He surprises me all the time. Every time.

He has the same problem with me.

My guilt runs deep.

He has small children too. Not to make excuses for him (and myself), but, from what I understand, he sees his kids in the late afternoon/early evening time. So, it�s not that I take time away from them� that�s how I justify that. Uccchh..

Oh, how else did we spit in God�s eye? We found out that our favorite bartender and cocktail waitress are also having an adulterous affair�.so we all went out to a lovely dinner on the Las Vegas Strip.

Sure doesn�t sound like I feel guilty, I know. But I do.

Some of my friends have been kind enough to say, �well, it�s really on him.� But if I was just a better person, I would walk away. But I cannot. I rack disaprin.

Speaking of lacking discipline, my Letter To Weed seemed to be just a farce. I haven�t quit. I still haven�t really bought except to give my friends money or dinner who help support my habit when I visit them�and I visit them a lot.

On the bright side, I�ve only thrown up because of alcohol one time since I wrote the letter, and that was way at the beginning. I�ve been doing a much better job of regulating myself that way. It�s been close though.

I�ve also been neglecting the gym.

Also, I�ve maxed out my credit card.

I can�t say this year is turning out to be one of the better ones in my life. I have high hopes for the Year We Make Contact though..

So, imagine my surprise when I got a letter in the mail from the Cambridge Who�s Who Registry! Ok, I already heard of the scam years ago. Some who�s who �group� sends you a letter, makes you feel special, you send them $150 or so dollars and get their book or, I guess now, be on their website with your picture and maybe a small bio in it which really doesn�t amount to much. But if I HADN�T ever heard of it, I think my suspicions would have been aroused from the letter saying that I was recently appointed as a biographical candidate to represent Las Vegas, NV in the 2009/2010 online Cambridge Who�s Who Registry among Executive and Professional Women.

HAH!! What the aych?

What would my bio even read??

My Name- Las Vegas, NV. No awards. No college. Not even a supervisory position in over 10 years.

I'm fairly certain this isn't one of the MOST respectable Who's Who organizations.

Sounds like someone just got a hold of my credit score.

(*good credit score provided by Ex-Husband, Rally Edition and that by the Grace of God I was too lazy and drunk to seriously think about owning property)

Speaking of Ex-Husband, Rally Edition, he and I are going to Berlin and Paris soon. I know, crazy, right? That�s what people tell us. I think I wrote about us going to London and Amsterdam last year too.. we always did travel well together. Anyway, his sister moved to Berlin, and he wanted to go visit her before the weather gets icky, and while we are there, we may as well go to Paris like we�ve always wanted to.

And, no, he�s not �taking me�.. he is extending me credit. Traveling with someone he doesn�t hate is worth it to him. Not sure when I will pay him back, I haven�t even come close in paying him back for London and Amsterdam. I guess the experience is worth it to him. (Thank you, Baby Jesus!!)

Speaking of Jesus� I�ve been listening to the podcast from Revolution Church of NYC, revolutionnyc.com, if you will, the church headed by Jay Bakker who is the son of Jim and Tammy Faye. I�ve probably mentioned it before, but I really love his sermons of Grace. He�s the only pastor I�ve ever heard of who often has crises of faith. He doesn�t even pretend to be righteous. He�s, oh my God, human. If you need some faith, I highly recommend this podcast.

OH!!! Speaking of�.um� nothing related to anything above.. one of my best girl friends just had a BABY, which makes me an auntie!!! This is the first baby in my adult life who I probably won�t be able to shake, and he�s the cutest freaking thing I�ve ever seen in my entire life. I know everyone says that about their babies, but I�m serious.  He�s probably smart too. Too bad he has such a bad influence in his life. He probably could have been somebody.

To illustrate, his grandmother and great-grandmother are HORRIFIED of the t-shirts that I�ve already bought him. Such gems as �Forget the milk, where are the whiskey tits?�, �Watch your fucking mouth, there�s a goddamn baby in the room�, and, my personal favorite, �Daddy drinks because I cry�, which is so obviously a joke because his father drinks regardless. :D

I mean, who cares about the parents? MY life is changing dramatically. Just kidding. I love those crazy kids. I think the father is realizing the extent of how much he will never be rid of me. He�s a good guy. We�re going to end up stabbing each other with our forks at dinner someday, but I think we have a mutual respect. (Hah, no, seriously, my friend often sits between us just in case.)

But I am smitten with this baby. I deep throated his foot. I am CRAZY about baby feets. That�s actually the first baby feet I ever deep throated, though I nibble on as many as I can. His fingers and ears are equally tasty. And he�s so tiny. And, I wasn�t particularly good at trying to settle him down when he was upset because he�s so freaking cute when he cries too.

OH!!! HOW is it that I�ve never heard about newborn baby tar ass????? How has that never been mentioned? Out of all the nasty, disgusting things you ladies (especially older ladies) have told me about the pregnancy and the birthing process, how did you never mention the meconium?? It was startling. At least it doesn�t smell.

I have shared the information with other people who do not have children or have children in their lives. They were equally surprised they had never heard of such a thing. The general consensus among breeders is that everything else is so overwhelming, that the meconium is the least of their worries considering it only lasts a day or two. I guess that�s fair enough.

In other news, I bought the most awesome birthday cake for Breeder Girl Friend, Rally Edition and Best Friend, Rally Edition. It was a cake shaped like a butt. It was beautiful. It was the full lower torso with a perfect ass and the top of the legs. I don�t have Diaryland Gold anymore, so I can�t post a picture, but it was so awesome. We went to dinner at a sushi restaurant, and I didn�t let anyone know what the cake was until I �unveiled� it. The Japanese waitresses went NUTS. I�m really not trying to be stereotypical, but after we took it out of the box, we had 6 Japanese people with their cell phones out, all taking pictures of the cake.
Also, to my friends I said, �I couldn�t find any birthday candles anywhere, but I got this one big, long one.. Best Friend, Rally Edition, who happens to be gay, took it from me, licked the end, and placed it appropriately.
When I had ordered the cake, (from freedsbakery.com, they are fairly famous and often on the food or travel channel) the girl asked if I wanted it vanilla.. I said, �It kinda *has* to be chocolate, right?� I also went with a chocolate cr�me. Retrospectively, I should have gone with a fudge. But when we took that candle out of the cake, it made a perfect looking butt hole.

OH.. the reason that I bought that particular cake is because hardly a holiday goes by that I don�t moon them, but since we were going to be in public� 

.. I know.. "that poor Baby."

{ previous ~ next }